Hashem is difficult to understand. Like you, I was in an incredibly tough spot in life. After beseeching for weeks, He finally answered.

He answered with a number in a dream. I looked into the Torah. Much to my surprise, He answered specifically. He asked me to perform a work of charity and in turn, He would do his part.

The relationship with Hashem is give and take. If He didn't answer, it is because of two possible reasons:

1- What Hashem destroyed cannot be rebuilt. Except, if you rebuild yourself spiritually. 2-When you ask in humility, He answers.

The other reason might be simple:

You assume Hashem has no feeling when He was moved to action more than once.

I don't know your life, but if you are talking to me, it is because Hashem is finally answering you in proxy.

Hashem wants you to live your life with fullness. You forsook an immaterial wealth for reasons I cannot entirely fathom.

Fill your life with hope, love and prayer.

Even if life is still bitter like a sour lemon thereafter, you tried.

Hashem doesn't want you to fail. He didn't give up on you.

You gave up on yourself and wanted to fail. You want to be angry. You want to rebellious.

Guess what? You thinking suicide is the answer is just you giving yourself into anger and despair.

You don't need to damn yourself. Noah was a drunkard who ended up naked in the bush.

Hashem chose the most fucked up people to be his prophets.

You are like that guy who said: If Hashem exists, prove it and save me from this lion ( he was in the zoo).

How can Hashem save you if you intentionally damn yourself?

Why are you so consumed with His existence when you should focus on your life?