does fetlife.com exist where you live? you can meet people there for casual sex, doesn't need to be kinky.

I am also wondering if it is possible you are feeding into this want because that is what society socializes men to think they need to be "real me". it is part of that traditional narrative of wife, kids, white picket fence. it was originally instilled since North America was colonized and colonizers wanted to have a human puppy mill to keep humans exploited according to prescribed gender roles. it is heteronormativity and amatonormativity

activity people labeled sexual is another thing human does as bonding and for fun on the human bonding spectrum. look at how bonobos do it, they area all bisexual do it for fun and to resolve conflicts. they can even do genital rubbing between parent and child to sooth.

you seem to want intimacy and affection and freedom maybe.