I think that one of the main reasons so many guys are blindsided to the reality of women’s experiences comes down to the nature of gender separation in social groups that has been normalised for centuries in many cultures by socially constructed paradigms. The whole notion of boys and girls playing and socialising and communicating in almost isolated worlds from young ages creates this barrier to the felt and lived experiences of women.
I had a great fortune growing up of having my main social group being mainly me, my best friend and about 12 girls, and we all did everything together. As we grew older and they began to experience relationships, trauma, abuse, rape and other experiences were shared (more often than not over alcohol, and not always in groups but on one to one bases).
We’re it not for this experience in my life, and then talking to my mum about her own experiences around sexual abuse and harassment growing up, I doubt I would have become so aware and conscious of the prevalence of it and the oft futility of trying to pursue some recourse for the victims.
Social networks felt like the only medium for closure, healing and support when people experienced these atrocities.
Even now, I talk to friends in their 30s that still come across guys that don’t seem to perceive that intimacy is a shared experience between two people, and while a lot of people enjoy ‘rough’ sex, there almost always has to be a nurturing of trust between the two parties before it feels safe.
I’ve also gone to lengths when female friends have opened up to me about experiences they have in past or present relationships for them to feel safe and confident to express their needs, rather than passively just submitting to this supposed role of satisfying the guy at the expense of their own dignity and wants.
Of course, in truth many circumstances don’t seem to even permit this, and in moments of fragility and vulnerability it can be very dangerous for women to express their own wants due to what happens if the guy disregards or worse becomes hostile and the risk of rape and the abhorrent trauma that follows such a situation when someone expresses their needs and is abused in spite of it.
I myself often see shock in a new partner’s face when I notice either discomfort on their part in a position or a moment of pst trauma causing them to disassociate during sex and I ask them if they are ok and if they want to stop, just cuddle or if they prefer for me to leave. Many girls have told me no one has ever done that for them which I still find mind boggling.
I’m writing this because, well, I can’t understand any other way of intimacy because this is my lived experience, yet I am conscious of how frequent the experience of OP occurs for most if not realistically all women at some point.
I hope that perhaps, as more ‘traditional’ gender norms begin to fade and social circles perhaps become more fluid and less gender defined that boys and thus men are less ignorant to the nature of intimacy from women’s perspective.
They say prevention is the cure. I wonder sometimes whether all boys schools play a role, as the notion of girls and women and the alpha male ideology proliferates through ignorance and fetishisation.
I suppose at the very least, any readers should definitely consider opening up to their tween sons about morals, basic standards and lived experiences of women and girls to help them to become men who won’t unknowingly or knowingly continue this cycle. Schools cannot be expected to fulfil this role and social circles are too precarious and circumstantial to be expected to.
Some might argue that tween is too young, but many people experience their first intimacies from 11, 12 onwards.
Apologies for the length of this, but this topic isn’t something that can be slighted with only a few words. These are just my views and not to be taken as a be all and end all. I am aware I am still flawed, and strive to learn and grow through every conversation I have, not only with partners but friends and strangers.
Please feel free to educate me if I have erred in any way, because I, like anyone, can only become a better person through sharing of experiences and dialogue.
Much love to you all x