Woman reveals she takes ‘masturbation breaks’ at work while her colleagues are going for coffee… and she thinks you should too

Excuse me, I drive maniacally fast to South America to my contact (only known to me as Jim) where he furtively glances around and puts a bag of high quality green coffee beans into my trunk. I hand him weighed granules of gold in exchange.

I drive upwards and get pulled over by Homeland Security. They see the bag, and I calmly explain that it's coffee. They try to arrest me thinking it's a front for a cocaine smuggling operation. I efficiently dispatch them all using my apartment key tied to an extended piece of paracord like a whip, stabbing each person in the left eye, knowing that over the long term they'll probably lose vision in their other eye eventually.

I continue the long drive north to my office. I light a wok over a small wood fire in the bathroom with the fans all venting smoke. I listen for the first crack, then the second crack. The beans are ready. I take out my 18th century antique hand-operated burr mill grinder, it used to belong to Thomas Jefferson's estate until I stole it from one of his great great grandchildren.

Water is boiled to 95C, pouring through coffee that is wrapped in lace underwear from my girlfriend. Now I can enjoy my coffee, and this concludes my coffee break. I look at my watch and it's only been 14 hours, a new record.

/r/OkCupid Thread Parent Link - thesun.co.uk