A woman's perspective?

Hey OP, sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. It's really hard when you feel alone in your relationship, and I'm sending you all the good vibes!

Take a deep breath, and try to remain TOTALLY calm in everything you do with her, because it sounds like right now, you're being criticised left, right and centre. It's easy to internalise that – you are not to blame for your wife's illness. Combat any hurt you may be feeling now, before you let it bleed back into your interactions. If you choose to stay, it's important not to play the blame game with your wife. Her behaviour is unacceptable, and it's important you know that, but if you react emotionally to the hurtful things she says (which is natural), it only throws fuel on the fire.

If you're really wanting to stay in this relationship, and you've not already done so, it's worth having a conversation with her about whether she really wants to stay in this relationship, too (usually the answer is yes). Put the ball in her court on that one. Ask her with total kindness – "Let's be honest, neither of us are happy right now. I love you so much, but if you feel like you'd be happier without me, then I want you to know I'm not going to make you stay, and I support whatever you decide. No matter what, I'll be here for the kids, but I'd prefer if we could find a way to make this work."

If she says she wants to stay, then I can tell you that the single most disarming phrase I have in my arsenal is "We can't go on this way. How do you suggest we work together to resolve this?"

Let her tell you. The first time you employ this phrase, she may try to pin all the blame on you. If this happens, redirect the conversation. Validate her – "I realise there are elements of my behaviour that I could change to make you happier. I'm willing to address those within reason, but first, I need you to help me come up with a strategy to help us get out of this rut. We can both be involved, so we're both happy with the plan."

Therapy is apparently off the table, so asking what she wants to do to heal your relationship gives her agency. It sounds like she feels extremely powerless right now, so helping her feel like she's not should set you on the way to recovery.

It's too much to ask her to give up drinking and be a kinder, more loving wife all at once. Let her know that you're not looking for perfection, you're just looking for small, tangible steps in the right direction. Set a timeframe for how long you're willing to put up with each behaviour, but keep it to yourself.

Go into the conversation with your requirements already worked out. Don't work them out on the fly, in the argument. You need to know what you expect from your partner, and ask her when she will be able to deliver that, and what she will need from you to make that happen.

GOOD LUCK, friend.

**source: conflicts with similar individuals.

/r/AskWomenOver30 Thread