Agreed with everything you say. We shouldn't have to be on guard all the time, we shouldn't have to devote thinking resources to avoiding harassment or plan strategies for most effective means for how to handle it when it does happen. We shouldn't have to tolerate it, we shouldn't be blamed for it, we shouldn't feel like our existence is the thing that causes the harassment.
Some people want you to feel that way because it is to their advantage. The best thing I have learned to do is know how to recognize that, and to not make excuses for it, or adapt to it because my natural reaction is unbecoming or unprofessional. My natural reaction to harassment and prejudice is anger. I don't care how much more authority someone above me is supposed to have, if they don't accept I am aware of what they do - they won't get any number of favorable outcomes they think they can pivot into.
The best advice I honestly can offer to anyone like me is find a good lawyer, don't tolerate bullshit, and keep records of everything. Also, have some special, very private outlet to contribute your best work too. Don't be eager to give away all your value to anyone willing to give you a shot. You don't have to perpetually prove yourself to people that have learned to manipulate others by denying them validation, acceptance and tolerance for being different. You always earned it to begin with. Anyone who turns around and punishes you for them being so generous to treat you with the kind of respect you honestly deserve by virtue of existing as a thinking creature - isn't anyone you want to align yourself with indefinitely. Know your value.
When you are a woman in my industry, your errors are magnified and used to imply stuff they can't prove without forcing you into making errors(1), and your successes are assumed to come from your male colleagues a large portion of the time. Your colleagues joke about how their systems are constantly breaking but you are expected to be perfect each time to maintain the privilege of being accepted. The stress you have from the expectation of perfection made impossible by the laziness of those that surround you is seen as the cause of explosive dynamics when it is actually a byproduct of the idiocy of others. You are denied opportunity but touted as a statistic that makes the company look good. You never ask to be treated with privilege, in fact, you are hostile to anyone offering it, because you know in the long run it prevents you from growing in the ways you keep trying to grow. You only ask to be respected as though you were a man, but a lot of people, men and women too - simply can't give that to you, because they don't know what it is like to be you, they don't believe you exist as you are to begin with. But that is their failing. They start with an assumption they can not prove, and because you are you, reality will never validate that. Some people will try to force their perception onto you, but you must never allow these people to win.
(1) I have had people try to sabotage me intentionally. They either don't give me details I need access to, in order to do my job, or they micromanage me to such a degree I can't do my job. I explain this to those people, with respect and clarity. I get what 'not a good fit' means, but there's a difference between that and purposeful sabotage because I understand too much. I am always aligned with every company I work for to begin with, perhaps with a bit of idealism sprinkled in, but it is how I am treated that determines the success of any of my endeavours, because I don't fail at anything I set my mind to. I give up when the amount of bullshit I have to take exceeds the return value proportionate to the amount of effort and commitment I put in. I am always 100% committed to begin with, but it is how I am treated and how all of that gets handled all the way up to HR that determines the rest of it. That's not a posteri rationalization, it is just the truth. I know when people do what they do, it is not clever or smart or sneaky, and I am always a perfect fit to begin with because they literally chose me out of anyone else. I don't come with baggage, I come with the possibility of inciting a riot because I don't tolerate bullshit.
Don't be evil. That is all I ask. I know I have immense value that I gladly give to anyone willing to take the time for trust to develop. Because I love my field, I love adding to it, and I live creating value. I shouldn't be punished for having that love but having the wrong body or being pressured to adapt and accept harassment because 'harassment is an effective means of managing others'. It isn't, but when we reward it, it is. No one wants to harass one another except psychopaths. The best value is produced by companies where the workers look forward to coming to work, not the ones who feel sick upon seeing 8:30 pm blink on a stove clock every Sunday night.
I want to create a fantastic culture and I know I can. I want to always give. The only problem I have is when actual harassment isn't handled appropriately because lazy thinking leads exhausted people into making decisions off of assumptions that are fundamentally baseless. And sociopaths / psychopaths are real, but 1. i never was one and won't ever cross that line, and 2. they must be identified, avoided, or suppressed. However, they can't be proven to be what they are without having taken action to prove they are what they are, and this is obvious. That is why it is important as fuck to be able to listen to yourself and recognize the feelings you have, and why you have them. Being expected to conform to a culture that exploits the exploitable by indoctrinating them into defeatism and acceptance is not the way for anyone, because if you practice that behavior it will happen to you too. Standing up for yourself and speaking the truth is not you being the bad guy, but there are people out there that will treat you like you are because you threaten the stability of the empire they have built out of exploiting others. If you know there's a better way, provably, that will lead to greater stability/clarity/value - don't be afraid of it because it doesn't conform to the status quo.