3. Women who suffer chronic illness, what is your story?

Women who suffer chronic illness, what is your story?

I feel like I live with one, but it's not as physically debilitating (yet) as some others. It's more psychological (for now).

Basically my mom had the same heart problem that I have. I watched her suffer for 100% of my life to age 17. Then at 17, she got a heart transplant and I watched her suffer in a whole new way. This developed in me an extreme fear of medical treatment, doctors, hospitals, being touched.

I got diagnosed on my 21 birthday. It blindsided me after 21 years of denial that it would never happen to me. I started having symptoms so I got checked out. Yep, turns out I have it too.

It's mostly embarrassing right now. I'm 24 now and I can't drink alcohol or go more than 12 hours without sleep. Digesting food makes my heart pound so after eating I need to rest. The walk from the parking lot to the door of the office makes me so out of breath I can't talk. A flight of stairs requires 5 minutes of recovery time to get my heart rate back down. I can't run, can't exercise much more than a yoga class, having sex is also very hard for me. I can't do anything but lay there. There are so many things I used to take for granted that are slowly being taken away from me.

Socially, the implications are awkward. Coworkers give me so much shit for taking the elevator up one floor because they think I'm being lazy. I just have to laugh it off but really, it hurts my feelings a lot. I can't hold a conversation while we are walking somewhere, like to lunch. Dating is really hard too. Not drinking and not having sex does not fit in with the whole hookup culture that is rife in my city.

The worst part is the psychological issue though. If I can't withstand treatment, I will probably die at 40 (going by my mom's history). Since my phobia of doctors prevents me from getting a pacemaker/transplant, I will die early for sure. That makes me feel like anyone who is in my life should have the opportunity to walk out on me. Like a free pass because they don't want to watch this disease kill me. So I isolate myself, and I live 100% in denial. I literally do not think about it ever affecting me. Even telling this story, I feel like I'm writing it about someone else.

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