When I was in middle school and early high school I was a mean girl. Not to excuse my actions or try to take the blame off of myself, but my dad has just been sent to prison, my mom had abandoned me during this time and I was suffering from ptsd and an eating disorder. I was so mad at the world and I took out my anger on everyone around me. When I was a freshman, one of my childhood friends told me that I had to stop hurting everyone else just because I had been hurt. This gave me a wake up call about how fucked up I had been. I felt so guilty and disgusted with myself. I knew I wanted to change so I started going to therapy and actively changing the way I viewed the world and how I interacted with people. The process to change was hard and I developed suicidal thoughts because I felt that I was such a horrible person and everyone would be better off if I died. After a few years of therapy and distancing myself from other mean girls, I reached out to some of the people I had hurt and apologized to them. I didn’t do this for myself but I felt like they deserved to know I regretted what I did. After years of trying to change, I can proudly say that today I am a happy and kind person. I have friends that I consider family, am in college, and have a job. I think the most important thing I’ve changed from all of this is that I no longer am angry at the world. When you’re not mad at everything, it’s much easier to be kind to people. I also don’t hate myself anymore for my actions. I obviously regret them immensely and feel guilty for the people that I hurt, but I know that if I kept beating myself up and making myself the victim I would never be able to move past this and change.