It's a lot of moments.

A big one was being with a partner with Autism and some physical disabilities. That's been a powerful motivator to try to be better.

Another is, honestly, that I'm scared. My family has a history of looking super fit and healthy and then dying of heart disease. My grandfather had his first heart attack at 42 and was dead at 52. My father just got a valve replacement and 5 bypasses. He's lean, muscular, in better shape then me with a more active life style.

I feel tightness in my chest sometimes and my blood pressure ranges scary high. My brain is going to get me killed. My ADHD's incompetence at lifestyle management is going to cut decades off my life, helped along by my "this is fine" attitude and my RSD's resistance to trying to be better.

And honestly, I'm not that successful. It's common, I know, for ADHD folks to feel like it takes maximum effort for 20 percent of the result others accomplish and that can be very discouraging. 20 percent isn't going to save my life. It's one thing to reflect on what's going on and reach and honest and self aware understanding of it. . . It's a whole other thing to be successful at managing it. I'm honestly A) exhausted from giving maximum effort and B) Heart broken at the poor result that has gotten me. I beyond hate ADHD.