If you love her that much and treat her well and she can't give you ten minutes a day for sex (even though she knows it would really make you happy) then she doesn't love you nearly as much as you love her

I don't want her to give me time and let me use her. If i wanted a blowup doll, i'd have one. The problem is she doesn't feel sexy, she hates her body (even when it's at it's best), and is insecure in her abilities that she's doing anything right or wrong. This is made more complicated by the fact i take a bit to "get it up" if i'm not already in the mood (worse with age and stress) and i don't last terribly long, AND i have psoriasis that sometimes affects my genital area making ME insecure. It's more complicated than she's shutting me down or shutting me out. A lot more complicated.

I don't want her time, i don't want her to give in to my wants. I want mutualism. I want her to show enthusiasm and initiative. And stuff like that can't be faked. When you go through the motions, it's as cold and dead as no sex at all.

We do have sex, and sometimes it's great sex - but i think my expectations and what our..chemistry and atmosphere creates the reality of .. just doesn't mesh.

I'm ok with that. We've been through it all in 12 years. We buy sex toys, where only one got used for a short time. We buy lingerie she's too scared to wear. We watch porn and it just becomes awkward and she either thinks it's too fake, or too degrading, or the people are not attractive, or the scenario too implausible. We talk sober, we talk drunk, we flirt. We've hit the gym so WE feel better about ourselves for a year at a time, almost every day, every week. We escape to vacation destinations, beaches, cabins in mountains, camping, vegas, to get rid of daily/weekly stresses. We have tons of fun in numbers of ways - parks, zoos, aquariums, wine tastings/fests, concerts, hitting up the odd bar and having a little too much to drink. Nothing changes. I have "fought" this battle ever which way. And the end of the day it's about her security and her confidence. On some levels it's my security and my confidence. All the "talking" has exponentially complicated the pre-existing walls we have. We're both chameleon in our nature with how we react to others, and unfortunately that's poisonous in our bedrooms. The more we try to make each other more secure, the bigger the elephant in the room is, the bigger the pressure is and i'm not going to say there's no fixing it.

But if it's to ever be fixed, it will be organically, naturally and by happenstance. The more we "work at it" the worse it gets, the more pressure there is.