Wow, you really seem to sound like you know what you're talking about. Jumping from post to post to post, helping everyone in your wake. You must feel pretty good about yourself.

Now, here's where I don't ever feel good about myself. Whenever I try to help someone else to feel good about myself, it's because I'm hurting inside and want to vicariously feel better because someone else is feeling better. But I know there's no bottom to the pit in my chest, no amount of effort or love or positivity and support can ever fill a hole like that.

Instead of me being pissed at my housemate, I'm pissed at myself for being pissed at my housemate for not being able to get us to the wedding. It was outside of both our controls, and now I have nowhere to put any of this frustration or anger or rage or disappointment without someone coming to harm from it. So I might as well do the world a favor and keep all this boundless negativity to myself. That way nobody else has to suffer from it if I don't have anything to do with anyone else in the world! I hate that people that think about me would worry about me instead of want to treat me like a normal person, but nobody does so I forget how to treat myself. I'm not a normal person, so I don't deserve the thought or consideration or anything that I'd like, because I can't muster up the decency to talk to someone and wrench this sickness from my brain. The last person I talked to was some dumb bitch of an intern that has no fucking clue what she's doing, and that was when I told my mom that if she kept trying to talk to me, that I'd kill myself. Then she compared me to my brother and I had to restrain myself from physically attacking her, because that was the last thing I wanted to do. I want to make things better between myself and everyone, but I can't do it without thinking of how much I fucked up and how I can never make things better.

I wish I didn't have anything to do with anyone else so I could just kill myself and not have to worry about what other people would react to it with. My dad always said "it takes a hundred atta-boys to make up for one aw-shit", and I can't fuck up without being my own worst critic. It's not like I can do anything to fix it though since I already fucked up, so I just sink deeper into whatever the fuck is driving my mindset downward. I just happen to find more reasons to stay down there along the way that just help push me deeper.. I can't get away from it, no matter how bad I want it. I wake up and see my room is a shithole, my laundry is still not put away, my bed hasn't been made in weeks, I need a shower, and I've been running on empty for so fucking long, I can't even trick myself into doing what I need to do.

So the people who had the wedding will be able to move past the fact I wasn't there. I don't doubt that at all, it just shows that they have the ability to let things go and not dwell on things outside of their control. I'm stuck with all my thoughts, problems, problems I have with my thoughts, thoughts about my problems, and everything in between that just never fucking stops. I have no support. Every day is a blur, but the emotions are more memorable than anything that may or may not have cause them to come bubbling up that day. I'm so fucking tired of not being able to feel happiness anymore, I hate getting excited and anticipating something for months and then having it being fucking ripped away from me. Like my brother stealing my smoke shop out from under me, like my parents selling off the bed they always promised me, like my housemate/best friend that was going to be there for me on that day, I end up abandoned and alone.

I want to forgive others quickly so they don't have to suffer the negativity that I've been for so long, but I don't believe they deserve not to suffer anymore. People that have put me to this point in my life need to know how they affected me. I have no control of my life, and never have. Everyone else has this innate ability to go where they want to go and do what they want to do in life, and I've been stuck in the same job for 5 years, have been compared to my big brother who graduated college after blowing full ride after full ride, drained all the good will from him and I that I'd never ask my family for help financially or otherwise, and gave me more reason to resent still being both our being alive. I wish when he tried wrestling the pocket knife from me and slashed my hand open, that I had bled to death, or he ended up getting stabbed in the throat. I wish when he had gone to the hospital for a heart attack at 19 for cocaine, he had died. I wish all the drunk driving he's done that he'd get in one final accident and die, since that breathalyzer he had legally installed on his car wasn't enough of a lesson.

I'm tired of talking and thinking. The more I do either, the deeper down the hole I go. I don't want to go any deeper, but I can't stop sinking.