I'm still pretty new to Reddit, I apologize for two messages-- I went over the character limit and don't know of any other way to send messages this large. This is the second half of the message.
W takes turns sleeping in B’s room or mine. B and W are arguing because it’s the first time they’ve lived together, so they’re getting used to all that comes with that. W and I had lived together for 4 years, so we were fine. It started to feel like my relationship with W was waning because we weren’t having arguments, so it felt like we lacked passion/intimacy. We even had the conversation of “We are so great at squashing arguments in 20 minutes or less that our foundation is awesome!” conversation. I was still frustrated with the relationship and even more so, sexually frustrated. The few times that W and I had slept together over the last year or two, I was pleasing W and then we were both worn out and promised to get me off the next night and promptly fell asleep. We never held each other to this (and honestly, we probably forgot) and outside of a seriously unfortunate experience with someone earlier this year, I’ve not had any reciprocal, enjoyable sexual experience in about 2 years. Now that my libido is back, I AM DYING. Meeting new people has been difficult, especially because we usually can’t get past me being the new, poly novelty friend who they can tell all their friends about.
The end of October, things in my relationship start to change. I get a new job where I work on the weekends, so W and I struggle to find time to hang out. I’m frustrated and resentful because B and W get to spend so much time together since they have similar schedules. W ends up sleeping in B’s room more regularly and even when we hang out upstairs, they’re always laying in B’s bed instead of at the kitchen table, a neutral territory. When W goes to take a nap or feels sick, it’s B’s room. I discuss with my therapist how I’m feeling left out but how I feel like there isn’t much I can do about it because it’s a sucky situation and nobody can really do anything to change it. I decide to stop initiating all romantic/friendly/otherwise contact with W, just to see how things play out. After a few days of no contact, I realize that me initiating “I love you”s and I’ll-make-you-a-sandwich-for-lunch-too-since-I’m-already-making-one-for-myselfs and kisses are the only reason why our “romantic” relationship is still in tact.
W and I were incredibly dependent on each other in our relationship. At times, I supported the both of us financially, and W took on all of my emotions/everything I couldn’t deal with. We never pushed ourselves or each other to make hard decisions and we have held each other back from the very beginning. We both feel like we missed out on opportunities because being part of a couple was more important than self-growth. I realize that now and feel sad that I let my life become only about my relationship and frustrated at all of the opportunities I passed up.
As of now, W has moved most of their stuff out of my room, and they’re now sharing a room with B. W and I are giving each other a lot of space and there are even 1-3 day stretches where we have no contact with each other. Both W and B have been very respectful in terms of not being too affectionate around me, and while I didn’t request that, I do appreciate it. W and I still share a car, a dog, a cell phone payment, family, as well as many other things. I want for there to be a point in time where I can have W as a person close to me, who I have a healthy relationship with. I know that W wants the same.
The other day, I went to get my dog out of W and B’s room and saw that there was a scarf tied to either end of the headboard-- obviously because someone’s wrists were restrained during sexytimes. For whatever reason, this was like a hundred knives in my heart. For one, actually ~seeing~ and being so close to their sex life felt way too intimate for me. Two, it made me incredibly envious because I am having such awful luck finding someone to even make out with and thirdly, because again, B had something that I want(ed) so badly. Lastly, I had always tried to get W into restraints but they were into it. (I know that this is a completely irrational thought to have because I don’t own W or their sexuality and every relationship is different and consenting adults are allowed to do whatever they want to do and it’s totally possible to be into X with one partner and not with another.) I’m not very good at disguising my emotions, so W got out of me why I was acting weird the other day and I told them about the scarves and how it was an uncomfortable level of intimacy and asked if they could make an effort to shut the door for the next bit of time so that I can deal with all of this without taking 10 steps back. There has been nothing to come of this conversation-- the door is as open or closed as it’s always been and I avoid looking into their bedroom.
This is where I’m at right now: I feel sad that my romantic relationship is over, though I am hopeful and sure that my close friendship with W should be back on track shortly. I love W desperately as a person and I’m having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that my future will be different than how I pictured it would be for the last 6 years. I feel incredibly resentful that at the end of the day, W has someone to love, someone to sleep next to, someone to be intimate with, someone to have as a companion and I’m across the hall by myself, listening to them giggle all night. I know how fucked up that logic is-- I really do. W and B are acting how they would normally and I can’t expect them to change their lives for my comfort nor would I really ever ask them to. W and I have been incredibly civil and mature about this whole thing-- I think that’s 95% because we’ve been close friends/companions for the last 4-5 years, so it doesn’t feel all that different, outside of our romantic relationship coming to a halt. I’m irrationally beating myself up because I feel like my first medication/no libido was the nail in the coffin of our sexual and romantic relationship and it feels unfair to be frustrated about the times that W had rejected me after I came on to them. I’ve been reading Bell Hooks’ “All About Love” and have been thinking about how relationships change and flow from one to another and just because they’ve changed, it doesn’t mean that they’re better or worse than before. I’m having trouble with this, because it feels like I’ve been demoted in W’s life, and that B is now W’s primary importance (even though we practiced non-hierarchical polyamory) because obviously significant others are “more” than best friends.
I feel so SO alone. I don’t have many friends here who understand polyamory, so when I tell them the story, the first (and usually, only) reaction they have is “OMG YOU HAVE TO MOVE OUT I BET YOU HATE LIVING THERE WITH THEM!” Unfortunately, moving out isn’t an option and I truly do think that W and I will be back on kosher terms in the next month or two. I’ve been reading a ton, working out, meeting new people, crafting, getting long-overdue projects done, crafting and I’ve started being an active listener at http://www.7cupsoftea.com/, which has been really gratifying and enjoyable. I’m doing all of the things that I should be doing to get over a break up, but I feel stuck. I would love to find some queer babes here who want to make out or go on movie dates because, while I don’t think that it’ll solve all of my problems, I do think that it will do absolute wonders for my self-esteem to feel wanted and desired after being rejected so many times and not having had hands other than my own on my naked body in years. I know that I am the only person who can really change my life or outlook on it and that seeking out someone else in order to feel good about myself is unhealthy and silly, but I really feel like after I get over this hump, I can finally relax and stop obsessing over sex and how I’m not having it and concentrate on what’s important: being a more independent, confident, and assertive person who doesn’t need W in their lives but who would really like them to be there. I am presently seeing a therapist and we have been discussing the situation.