I still tear up almost one year later but it's good to remind myself why I made this change.

I was in graduate school, incredibly depressed, and dangerously addicted benzodiazepams. I ended up deciding that I was going to leave and wanted to tell everyone how I felt on my way out. So, I drank myself into a stupor and emailed classmates/professors dark, scathing messages of hatred and resentment. I called women the "c" word repeatedly. It was the most shameful way I could've left.

A few days later, during the same "binge", I decided to contact past acquaintances to voice my resentment and hatred towards them too. These messages were riddled with threats and the type of darkness that rarely ever sees the light of day in civilized society. I mocked the recent death of one of their mother's. I contacted my sister with disgusting messages of hate. We still haven't spoken beyond common courtesy one time for my mother's sake.

I was begging to be put out of my misery. I wanted to die more than anything. The recipients of my correspondence contacted law enforce/DA, etc. They threatened involuntarily mental hospital admittance (5150). They threatened criminal prosecution for making threats/harassment etc. They recorded all my messages and distributed to them to everyone I've ever known. My parents became social outcasts in their community because of me. My parents have an impeccable reputation that they worked a lifetime to build, yet it was destroyed in a week through no fault of their own.

Luckily, I avoided prosecution in any form. The binge lasted around 2 weeks of harassment/chaos but I haven't had a drop of alcohol since then. My words will follow me forever. Now that I'm sober, I'm able to slowly forgive myself because those were the actions of a drunk, dark person, not the man I am today. I can't make up for the lifetime of horrible, destructive behavior that I've engaged in while drunk.

People do not deserve to deal with the repercussions of my selfishness. I refuse to be that person ever again.