I know this is terrible of me to admit to, but I've had to visit the possibility of my covert nmom, stepdad and overt grandma all dying from Rona. Ma's both a parrot of Fox news and also believes she caught it in January. I'm high risk, hell, they all three are, and they've denied my health problems since I was small. I asked her not to come by my kid's birthday sick, she did anyway. Back then she said as she just pushed past me and into my house, "it's just the flu..." Like, happy birthday here's some illness... I was so happy when the shutdown was put in place! I foolishly believed that would keep her from randomly knocking on my door. Instead, it seemed to flare some need/anxiety of hers (I sweardabob if autocorrect switches'm'shit one more again, grrrr...) to check on my household weekly regardless of me trying to lay down boundaries. I saw her more during mandatory shutdown than I have collectively since moving out 15 years ago. She tramples all boundaries...

This is fucked and I know it, but I'm more mentally exhausted by the idea of having to settle estates, file paperwork, have to deal with my Nsiblings and drama; than I am plagued with the idea that I could lose my family members forever. I'm certain that I dealt with those ideas back in spring, though.

Good news about my life this year vs last is that I now deal with the current realities instead of ignoring it.

My ma's so fuckin dumb, man. I hate admitting it. I did and do have love for her buried somewhere under all these burn scars from my experience with her. But damn, is she so fucking resistant to critical fucking thought! This person I was born to, has actually fought a hemp farm popping up in their neighborhood because "of their wells! They're going to use all the water!" But then later expresses an opinion about fracking and how they don't care that's happening near their wells. Also insists on growing lawns in a desert. Sometimes I have thoughts that the world could be a better place without their backwards thinking...