Ok, so check this out.  Last thursday night, right? I was sitting in my house, sitting in the one chair I've got that still has all 4 legs, and watching the static play across the screen of my television.  It's actually pretty neat, because you can imagine anything there.  I like to think I'm watching an epic battle between different armies of ants, but that's just me.

All of a sudden, though, my phone goes off. It's 3:20 in the fucking morning, who the hell wants to talk to me at that time of day? I'm a little pissed at this point, but I have nothing better to do, so I look at the phone. It says the text is from someone named Bill. I have to think for a minute or two to remember who the hell Bill is. I met him last year while I was vacationing in the mountains. We had a beer once and talked politics, nothing special. What could he possibly want? Why was I keeping myself in suspense like this? With a sigh, I opened the text.
"Get out of the house NOW," it says. I would have smirked if I hadn't been annoyed. He deserved a response, if nothing else. I didn't want him thinking I didn't get the text and keep sending me the same fucking thing later in the morning. I had to sleep at some point, after all. "Fuck off," I carefully typed, deleting the autocorrected idiocy my supposed "smart" phone thought I was trying to say. "You don't have time for this, get out!," he replied with startling speed.
"Nope," I sent back. I set my phone to vibrate, and tossed it into the kitchen. Thank God for those tank-like phone cases. They make my phone damn near invincible.

Within a few minutes, the someone kicked in the back door of my house.  I didn't have any visitors planned.  How could have Bill known this was coming? A thought occurred as I heard footsteps move urgently towards the living room.  My static channel had betrayed me so quickly.
"Did Bill send you?"  I asked the intruder(s).  There was a baseball bat in the coat closet. I went to grab it, but it seemed so far away now.  It's funny how rooms seem to much larger when you need to defend yourself.
The bastard never replied vocally.  He just tossed my dead dog at me, I guess to shock me.  In reality, he had given me a weapon to work until I got the bat.  I grabbed my best friend by the back legs and swung like hell, hoping the head was hard enough to do some serious damage.  It connected, and air rushed out of the intruder.  This sudden success caught me off guard.  And then, shit got kind of weird. 

While swinging, I had seen how my dog had died. My poor buddy had been gutted like a wide-mouth bass! The nerve of some people! This, however, gave me another advantage. While the attacker was busy regaining is balance, I reached inside my dog's carcass, wrapping my hands around the inside of his jaws to work them like a puppet. A puppet with bad ass teeth, mind you. I lunged at the invader, dog teeth first, and caught his face. In his confusion, he struggled and moved his head, grating his skin against the teeth. His scream of pain was actually pretty relieving. I always wonder if I'm going to be invaded by some invincible villain at some time or another. They have to be somewhere, right? He began clutching his face, and I knew that now was not the time to relent, so I sent the jaws at his genitals. I know this was as cowardly a move as I could do while being aggressive, but what was I going to do, ask him to leave? Within seconds, the man's crotch was reduced to bloody bits of mangled skin and little tubes. The fight had gone out of him completely.

While he laid on the ground, bleeding and crying, I went to the kitchen for some supplies. I had always wanted to interrogate someone like I saw in movies from time to time. What better chance could I hope for?

And it was every bit as fun as I expected.