Chris awoke already flying, but it was so dark he couldn't tell much of what was going on. He looked around and realized not only was he naked, but he was zooming down what seemed like an impossibly long tunnel. The tunnel had no end in sight, but seemed wide enough for an Airbus to fly through. For some reason at the time, he didn't question why he was there, but only where he was going. He started to think about how long he had been flying, but the instant he did, a horizontal divide in the tunnel materialized in front of him.
Up or Down. It was always thought among the living that there was supposed to be a bright light coming out of one of them, but all Chris could see was a faint blue tinge from both. He started flapping his arms crazily trying to go up, and to his surprise, a warm current of air seemed to carry him into the top tunnel. He stopped flapping and relaxed. He knew he'd done some bad things in his life, but he always had the best of intentions at heart. And now he was ready to reap the rewards.
Something was wrong though. As he went further down the tunnel, it started getting narrower, and colder. He started to tense up, as cold shivers ran down his spine. How could heaven be so cold? He asked himself, it was supposed to be a paradise. Then all of a sudden the bright light appeared. The end of the tunnel was approaching fast. He relaxed again. As long as it was heaven it would surely have a heater.
He rocketed out of the tunnel and flew five meters in the air, before landing on cold, hard, ice. He looked around frantically only to see that the hole he flew out of had disappeared. He sat shivering on the ice. "What the fuck is going on, how did I get here?" Muttered Chris, finally registering he didn't know why he was in the tunnel. Suddenly, he heard something ringing. Bells in the distance. Cackling laughter. He stood up and looked around. "WHO ARE YOU?", He bellowed. "WHERE ARE YOU?" He heard the laughter again but louder. Only now did he realize it was coming from above. He looked up just in time to see a hoof hitting him square in the forehead.
He stood back up, unsure whether he'd been down for a second or an hour. "Oh you've come back to us", said a voice behind him. Chris spun around and just about fainted again from surprise. It was a man he knew very well. Santa Claus himself sitting in his sleigh complete with reindeer and all, while eating a steak. "What's going on here?" Chris asked. Santa continued to eat his steak like he was starving, before looking up and explaining. "Well you were a surprise I'll be honest. I was just eating dinner and you crashed your car in the snow. You were actually just tipping the balance to go to heaven, but you crashed into a specific fish market. God loves his fish, don't ask me why."
Chris was stunned. "So.. I'm Dead? I'm in Hell? Why are you here? Why is it so cold?" Santa cackled again, nothing like the ho ho ho he was known for. Strangely the laugh made him shiver more than the cold. "Good we're speeding this up, yes you're dead, yes you're in hell, and who else did you expect?" Chris stuttered, "S-S-S-Satan?" Santa bellowed with laughter, clearly enjoying himself. "The Bible has been translated hundreds of times, did you really not notice the similarities of the name? The best joke I ever played was making myself a hero on earth". "So what now?", Chris asked. "Well now, eternity begins, but don't worry, the punishment doesn't start yet". Santa finished up the last bite of his meal and grabbed the reigns. "Well I must be going now, I'll give you some time to think things over here at the north pole. I've got to go attend to plenty of new arrivals from a plane crash. I'll see you in about a year".
"A YEAR HERE?" Chris yelled. "But what about food? I'll starve or I'll freeze to death!" As Santa began his takeoff he let out one final, evil laugh. "You can't die, you're already dead!"