“John! John! John! You won’t believe it!”
“What is it Blarth?” John asked, uninterested, still face down in an article about quantum mechanics.
“I did it! I really did it! I found out the origin of the universe!”
John, annoyed for having been interrupted from his reading, turned and faced Dr. Blarth, a look of disdain in his eyes. David Blarth was the founder of Blarth Technologies, the leading scientific research institution in the nation. He was responsible for some of the most important and ground breaking research in the past 50 years. He graduated from Duke University with a dual degree in microbiology and chemical engineering and was hired immediately out of school for one of the top pharmaceutical companies in the nation. He discovered the most significant drug in the history of human kind, saving millions and winning a Nobel Prize. This was David Blarth Jr.
Blarth Jr. received a doctorate in astrophysics from MIT, and MIT received a new multi-million dollar research facility from Blarth’s father. There was no fooling anyone about Blarth’s incompetence and John’s hate for Blarth’s ineptitude was only trumped by disgust for his personal hygiene. Blarth was at least 80 pounds overweight, ate nothing but cheese laden Mexican food, and the 2 liter bottle of grape soda he drank every day was the closest he had ever gotten to a fruit or vegetable. He would show up 40 minutes late and fool around with ten thousand dollar equipment in-between League of Legend games.
“Of course you did, Blarth” John said between shallow breaths filled with barely breathable air. “Let me see the data.”
“No, you see, I figured it out by thinking.”
“Oh, so you can do that. What did you ‘think of’” John mockingly asked.
“Well, if the universe started with the big bang, then something had to start it in motion. You can't have something from nothing, can you? So some dumb people would say God did it, but, being an atheist, I know that God doesn’t exists, so thus the big bang did not happen the way they think it did. It was actually caused by an advanced civilization who, under threat of the destruction of their home world, sent a bomb into a black hole that was on a crash course for Earth, or whatever they called it. Their plan was to split the black hole in two, and send the two pieces in different directions so it would miss their home world. But the bomb malfunctions, and one of the crew mates has to manually detonate the bomb while inside the black hole. But the crew mate who is selected has a lover back home, but his lover’s dad, who also happens to be on the ship, disproves of the relationship. Nevertheless, the crew mate agrees that he must do it, but right before he is about to leave, the father of the daughter the crew mate loves decides that the crew mate is good enough for his daughter, even though earlier he wasn’t. The father then pushes the crew mate back into the ship and takes the bomb himself into the black hole, detonating it and successfully saving the planet. That bomb is what set our universe in motion.”
“That is literally the plot to Armageddon, Blarth. Jesus Christ.”