Hello, NoSleepers. I don't actually know if this is the right place to post this, I mean this may be some MAJOR unsetteling NoSleep plot for me but, so far for everyone I know... they think I've finally lost it. In fact, I don't even know if I should post this at all. But for the life of me I just. can't. wrap my freaking mind around this. I HAVE to share this. For the sake of my fucked up sanity. Or really what's left of it. Because if this is actually made up by mind, I am, as a person, seriously fucked.
I know I don't have the sharpest mind. At least not anymore.... Simply put, I forget a lot for a 16 year old (There you go, here's another reason why you shouldn't believe me. I'm just another whiny kid who thinks they've got the world figured out). But frankly the word "forget" here just won't wrap it all... It's a bit complicated. It's not just about forgetting where you kept those keys or bag or what has been said to you 10 seconds ago, no... Everything gets mixed up in my brain: thoughts, memories, words, simple spelling and sometimes simple words like 'because' look so foreign that I doubt... myself, images, phrases... But I haven't always been like this. Nope, I swear it. I was normal, and dare I say, had a bright mind. I don't know what change took place but... there's this feeling you have, when you realize something's wrong with your mind, like you can actually feel it getting worse. I can't describe it, it almost feels like you've consumed all your brain's storing capacity already with so many things that it's just not as fast and as good anymore. I know scientists say that's impossible, but, it just feels like it. Like there is so much pressure on the walls of your mind that they begin to breakdown and the contents begin to fall away. Out of sheer (teenage, perhaps) dramatism, I like to call this condition "Air holes".
I'm getting out of topic, sorry. I haven't even gotten into it in the first place... You're probably wondering when my desperate yapping will stop already and just get into it. Apologies.
Okay so, recently, probably around a month ago my English teacher at school gave us an essay assignment. We were to write about "Your most memorable memories." - I don't really know what kinds of things schools in English-speaking countries teach in English classes but for those of us IGCSE students who chose to take English As A Second (Foreign) Language, we have things like speaking skills, writing skills, stuff like, "Whether vs. Weather", which is, for the most part pretty useless because the entire class grew up in English, earned fluency and have pure accents (But we still chose that because it's freakin' ABC. So, easy A* for all:).
Anyways, so I decided I'd just talk about the times my family and I lived in Nigeria. My parents work in the ministry of foreign affairs of my country, both as "administrative attaché" I honestly don't even know what that means, my mom just said they manage or run somethings. Whatever. Not my business. For all I cared I get to see the world because of that. I grew up and learned the world's #1 language because of that. And looking over at my country and weighing the odds.. I really couldn't be more grateful. I'm very lucky.
Yes, "Nigeria". A rather small country located west of Africa. And it is the most populated country in all of Africa, having at least 100 million head. Official language is English. Capitol is Abuja. Very nice and puts my own country to shame.
Anyways a week later, after submitting my essay paper, our English teacher at the end of the lesson began distributing the papers back to the rightful students, with comments on the works. She commented on a few students before it was my turn. She handed me the paper and said something along the lines of, "Noavailable, I really liked your writing style. Your essay was very enjoyable and adorable. It's quite impressive for a fiction, strongly convincing and gripping. I mean I have to admit that I actually thought it was a real place and was baffled for a minute and I ended up Googling it just to see if Nigeria is a real place. What can I say, you got me. As for the grammar..." That's when I interrupted her laughing a little and said, "It is a real place,"
"No, it's not, Noavailable and I'm sure Google agrees as well. I'm not going to fall for this a second time," she said laughing it off, taking the whole thing as if she "knows" I'm just trying to make a fool at of her. Which I wasn't.
I stressed it to her that Nigeria is real and everything I've written down on that paper was real and not made up. She said she never heard of it and then asked the class if they heard of such name to which lazy No's were the reply.
I thought the best way to prove it is to Google it, so I asked her and anyone to do so. And one did - our school really isn't that disciplined so it isn't odd to find a kid using/with a phone. What turned up? Not even websites or articles or documents or any fucking word of any relevancy, instead, it was this:
" Your search - Nigeria - did not match any documents.
Suggestions:
Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
Try different keywords.
Try more general keywords.
Try fewer keywords.
I asked them to google it several times again and it's the same thing. I insisted they google the map of west Africa and big, ol' Mali was all over the place. Ghana was gone, Benin was gone, Niger and Niger were gone. Any small country that I knew were in that area wasn't.
Can you imagine how disturbed I seemed to everyone then? Imagine arguing with your parents that Hogwarts is real and that they themselves sent you there. Yeah.
Nigeria is real. I swear! I spent four years of the most important years in my life there! Age 8,9, 10 and 11. 2007-2008-2009-2010. I had my first crush and kiss there! My school was Nurulbayan International Academy, off Michael -something street, on Dalaba street, Zone 5, Wuse, Abuja. Both my sisters graduated here and were geniuses. I was once pushed down the stairs by this senior bully because I refused to change my way from his (and luckily my sister happened to appear when I hit the ground. Major shit took place then). My parents divorced, we lived with my mom and he moved out and later on remarried and had kids! We lived in Abuja, on Lily Court Compound. It's there. I know it's there! It's there! It's fucking there! It has to be. Why doesn't my own FAMILY REMEMBER ANYTHING OF THIS? If it wasn't where the heck were we?! I mean...
But please, I know what you're thinking, okay? I know how crazy this may sound. I know how crazy I sound. If someone else came up and said "Estovania is a country I lived in and it just disappeared from the map and no one knows it existed!" I wouldn't have given him or the idea a second thought or glance and brush him off as a lunatic. But this is serious for me... and I honestly think that maybe you guys would be a little less harsh on me. I'm doubting my own sanity, my every early memory, my own existence. How much of what I consider a heart-warming childhood memory is actually real? What is "real" anyway? What's normal?
What if I woke up all of a sudden and found another reality? What if I'm not me, or... something, you get the idea!
I guess I should admit now that I may be schizophrenic. As far as the several online diagnosis results say (I Google those a lot. Of course I'd never rely 100% on those but still. They're pretty fun to take), but I have never been one to see ghosts and demons and messed up crap like that, and even if I'm "just starting", making up a whole country and/or wiping it doesn't sound like something that your mind would just want to make up. I mean what are the odds? What I know is that, for a schizo seeing ghosts, demons, supernatural things maybe a thing, but I've never heard of a story where a guy claims a whole town or location disappeared all of a sudden and it was then proven that it was purely the work of his brain. This shit doesn't happen everyday.
Anyways, I guess this is the part where I write what seems to be a norm on NoSleep and say I don't know what to do and that I need your help, but surely as you can tell there really isn't much that can be done, or much that I can do. I just needed to share this, okay? Despite what you now think of me and how unreliable my story is because of my "below-average" mental condition. I needed to let it all out to someone. And I have no one. No one to listen without telling me that "perhaps" I should see someone. And perhaps I should. But I don't need to here it, okay?
TL;DR: Discovered that a country and an entire 4 years of my life are either: gone or made up. You can pick whichever you like.
Apologies for any spelling mistakes or errors of any other kind or if somethings I said that don't make sense. I wish I can say that beside my schizophrenia (if it can cause this) it's because English is not my mother tongue but that wouldn't be a valid excuse since I've grown up in a mainly English environment. It's mainly because of the degeneration and withering of my 16 year old mind.
A/N: Some part of this is copied from journal. I do forget a lot. Constructive criticism are welcomed.