"Gabriel, you must tell the world of the Second Christ." I nod, my wings flaring out behind me. Contrary to mortal belief, angel wings aren't pure white, they are more like bird wings, with various colours. Mine were a very nice shade of green intermixed with spots of purple and brown here and there. "He will be called Jesus and the name of the mother is Allen." Again I nod and wait. The bright light that God manifested himself as faded away and I was left in the throne room of Heaven alone. Belatedly, I realize that I was meant to have left for my mission already. Embarassment isn't something I normally feel, but I felt it just then. Having the angel equivalent of cheeks reddening, I left the throne room. Out of the throne room, I thought of the mission He had given to me. Allen. Huh. Shouldn't be too hard, I mean Mary wasn't exactly a popular name back then either. I fly to the Registry of All Humans Ever Born just to the left and above three dimensions from Singing To His Holiness, in the department called Human Resources. Flipping through the Tome of 20th-21st Century Humans I realize something. Apparently. 'Allen' isn't a female first name. It's a last name. And a rather common one at that. In North America alone, there are 552947 people with the last name Allen. I have the feeling that this wasn't going to be as easy as I thought.
I travel down to the first Allen on the list, Alex Allen. Alex is a fairly female human name, right? I appear to Alex Allen as a bright white light, "Alex Allen, do not be afraid. You will be the mother of the Second Christ! He will be the Saviour of Humanity and will be called Jesus." I say this grandly, and for added effect, spread my wings. The language of Heaven is heard differently by everyone, each hearing it in their own language. Although, sometimes things may have to be said in the native language directly if it is clear the recipient of God's Word does not understand. "wat" Alex Allen says, with great confusion. "i haevz an peen how dis prawsibul" I blink for a moment. I had forgotten how the human language was so inferior compared to the language of Heaven. Also, it has terrible grammar. "too, i haez boifreind. i is gey." Apparently, Alex Allen was also a name usually acquired by the male gender.
After a few moments of contemplation (not despair - despair is for humans), I decide to narrow down the list of possibilities to those above the age of adolescence. I refuse to think about the possibility that I might be wrong about this assumption. Also, I narrow it down to hopefully female names. I still don't understand the difference between them. One of the differences, I think, are that female names usually end in 'a' or 'e'. Then again, Mary was still in her teenage years when she had Jesus of Nazareth. And transgender women do exist on Earth.
The next Allen on the list was Alexa Allen. Again I went to her, appearing as a bright light. I had learnt the first few times I had been on Earth, that humans generally couldn't handle my true appearance. After they saw me, they called me a few names I shall not repeat. But really, having a beak, mane, antlers, claws and hooves aren't that bad. After all, all animals were based on the angels which were in turn, based on God anyway. "Alexa Allen, you have found favor with God! You will be the mother of the new Christ. You will call him Jesus and do not worry, for he banish all demons from Earth and save Humanity." I boom, with great pride in my mission. "who dis" Alexa adjusted her spectacles and peered through the lenses in a great effort to look at my glorious presence. "wat u meen i haz preggers. firs of al, im 69. secund i gay. tree, i am meenopos." I blink again. I was not aware that humans could suddenly stop having children when they were in old age. Again, I had spoken to the wrong Allen. "Uh... Exactly when is the age of menopause?" "is 50" I thank the kindly woman, and narrow down the list to those between the ages of 18 and 50. 3210469 possible Allens left.
I look down the list again, and decide that maybe I should skip all the A's and head onto the B's. Becky Allen is next. Hopefully she was the right Allen, I was getting tired of having to listen to bad grammar. I appear in her bedroom, and am greeted by a frightened young woman with blonde hair, pointing a human firearm at me. "Becky Allen, do not be afraid, you are the mother of the new Christ, and you will be revered for all the ages after." "whodo de duck dis" I sigh. Clearly I was going to have some trouble communicating with this one. She screams human profanities at me as I sift through my dimensional pockets for an Angel to Human dictionary. It was mandatory for all angels sent to Earth. Some time ago, there was an Angel to Dinosaur and Angel to Martian dictionary, but eventually they weren't needed anymore. The dictionary has definitely changed since I last used it in 3 BC. I flip to the page on greetings. "Er, hola..." I say, as the customary greeting for humans. "Eres muy afortunado, Dios-" The human cuts me off, screaming on how she doesn't speak Mexican. Clearly she's uneducated, this is... I check the language quickly, Spanish. However, I may have been using the wrong part of the dictionary. I flip to the English section and try again. "Uh, yo? Um, homie... you gots a... bae? In yo... oven." I stumble over the words and cringe at every syllable. How did the human English language get so crude? Instead of understanding, Becky Allen gets more confused. Perhaps I used the wrong word? "You... goes haz... sprogger." I say, attempting to speak in her language. Becky Allen just gets even more confused. Before I can attempt to butcher her already destroyed language even more, she speaks. "i iz tranz, haw i hez bae" Oh. Now I understand Becky Allen's confusion, human technology had not advanced to the level where males could gain female anatomy. I feel like I must do something to make up for the confusion, quickly, I touch her on the head, giving her the body parts she needed and disappeared. To her sight at least. Actually, I just shifted to another dimension to cross her name off the list.
I'm close to giving up now. How many Allens have I talked to anyway? First there was the disastrous first Allen, Alex Allen who was both male and gay. Then there was Alexa Allen, who was thankfully, female, but far too old. It wasn't a complete loss, as she gave me valuable information on the human race. I shall add it to the Book on Human Knowledge for Angels when I finish this mission. If I ever finish it. Third, there was Becky Allen, who was female and of appropiate age, but she hadn't had the capability of having children until I helped her. Sighing, I look down the list to find Bethany Allen.
3210468 Allens later, I find myself at the last name on the list. During this tiresome journey, I have been shot at, sworn at, yelled at, attacked, and one memorable time, attacked with a machete by an eager young woman who was screaming that I was a vampire. The only good thing about all this, is that I have become fluent in English, less so in Spanish, Romanian, Greek and other languages, but I'm getting better all the same. Zoe Allen is the last Allen, and this time, I'm confident that she is the correct Allen. I appear to her in a flash of bright light, manifesting myself as a stereotypical angel. I have found out that most humans respond favorably when I am in this form. "Ey yo, you hez preggers fo bae Jesuis. You very bless by de Lawd. Da lil sprogger be much holey." Zoe Allen springs up to her feet and starts yelling at me. I attempt to speak with her again, "You da noo ma of bae Jesuis." "WAHT! HEW I HAX BAE JESUIS?!?!?1!" "Pls clam." "n0. naht pewsibel, i iz aytheist!!" Well this is a situation. How can the new Christ be born to an atheist woman? "Do yoo kno of Allen?" The woman replies, thankfully at a lower volume, "ye. mwah" "I meen oda Allen." "ye. mah sis" So this human had a sister, interesting. Perhaps it was she who was the Chosen One. "alexa allen" I had completely forgotten about the A. Allens I had skipped. It seems that I have to start from the beginning again.