Naturally the first thing I thought of was my browser history. That had surprisingly little impact on the monster; I know these days virtually everyone has gotten off to some weird internet porn, but I've wandered down some weeeeeeeird PornHub rabbit holes. Like, some of them involved actual rabbits.

I guess nothing shocked it in that regard.

Okay. That time I pissed myself in fourth grade, ran to the bathroom in shame, and then tried to flush the pants I pissed in because in my 9-y.o. mind that somehow seemed like fixing the problem.

Nada. Tough customer.

That period of time in college I thought making ironically racist jokes to all my black friends acquaintances showed how cool and accepting I was. Or that time I got so drunk at a party I kept trying to put my hands down a very unwilling girl's panties because drunk me thought I was flirting. Kind of lucked out she didn't press charges.

There was the time I cheated on my first wife. She really didn't deserve that one. She was pregnant with our daughter. I dunno why I did it. Caught up in the moment, I guess. Seemed hot. I'll never forget the look of heartbreak on my wife's face the day she found out. Then later when everything went to shit and she became a raging bitch, that time I through her cat across the fence into the neighbor's dog yard. Mmmmm, actually still kind of find that one funny. Look, if you knew what either my wife or the fucking cat was like you'd get it.

The monster was definitely slowing down, at least until that last one.

Okay.

There was this time my daughter ran off with a drug-dealing thug of a boyfriend I had told her over and over not to date. A few months later she called to say she was knocked up, naturally. I didn't even wait for her to ask for the money. I told her she could go fuck herself and hung up. I'm still pissed at her, but really I was just ashamed at how I had failed her as a father.

I could tell I had it on the ropes now. One last go.

My work buddy Dan was up for a promotion. And he'd been sober for eight years and a great life now. And I spiked his coffee the day of the interview. I thought he'd miss the promotion, not get fired. He, his wife and his kid ended up getting killed in a drunk driving accident shortly after that. He was of course the driver.

The monster grunted its satisfaction. Even after all that it had still won, and I could feel myself dying. But after eating all that darkness in me what I saw for the first time in my life was me. Not the awkward, underappreciated guy who pulled some shit pranks and drank a little too much. The bigoted, monstrous, self-obsessed piece of shit I actually was.

For the first time in my life, just before that last flickering light went out, I felt ashamed.