"No, no, no! That's not how this works!"
"What are you talking about?" I ask a cloaked wizard as I furiously attempt to tie the three weapons together with a rubber band.
"You only get to pick one, asshole," the wizard retorted, wiggling his bony finger at me as he stepped forward. The bells on his curled wizard shoes tinkled to bring a bit of cheer to his sour mood.
"You asked WHICH, not which ONE," I countered, grunting as I manage to tie the bow and the lance together. "WHICH doesn't imply that I can only pick one."
"Oh look at Mister Pedantic over here," the wizard muttered, putting one of his hands to his head to rub a temple. "Okay, okay, let me rephrase the question." He waved his free hand as magical runes glowed near his hand. In an instant, he made the rubber band that held several magical artifacts together disappear. The spear fell to the ground with a metallic clang throughout the chamber. I still held the bow in my hand, but quickly dropped it as to not imply that it was my selection. "You can pick ONE."
"Look, these things are cursed anyways, nobody in their right mind wants them. Everyone's always talking about what a creep you are in the village. I heard you tried to peddle these things to Bill last week. That man's a painter, what's he going to do with a magical bow? Or a sword that gives leadership?"
"THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND MY MAGIC!" the wizard shouted, losing his patience.
"No one is going to take any of these monkey's paw-ass weapons anyways. Gimme two."
"You get one."
"Give me one choice, and my rubber band back."
The wizard sighed and put his head in his hands.
"You know what? Fine. Here's your rubber band back." He used his magic to bring my rubber band into existence. "Now make your choice."
I instantly fumbled towards all three items in an attempt to tie them together again.
"SON OF A BITCH," the wizard screeched, taking my rubber band away. "You know what? No, you don't get anything, smartass." He then picked up the items with powerful telekinesis and placed them within a chest, which he locked with an enchanted padlock. "Why would you even want three cursed items anyways? Two of them kill you and one of them makes you lose the love of your life." He looked me up and down for a few moments as I still laid upon the floor where the weapons once were, with naught but the clothes on my back and a trusty rubber band. "You, uh... You need to talk about anything?"
"I... Well, the soothsayer over in Globbleknot says I have a month to live so I decided to grab life by the horns, you know? Try and... Try and get myself some power before I die." I scratched the back of my head nervously and refused to look him in the eye.
"The sooth-sa... Beatrice? Beatrice, over in Globbleknot?"
"Yeah, you know her?" I looked towards the wizard with a little concern.
"Lemme tell you man, that bitch is a snake oil salesman through and through. Certified fraud."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah. That dusty old bint said I was destined to become a fishmonger. And look at me now, I'm a friggin' wizard."
"...A wizard who gives people cursed weapons and kills them."
"I mean, fair enough, but I can also do THIS." Then, the wizard shot lightning out of his hands.
"...You got me there."
"I wasn't really expecting to give someone legitimate help with their life right now, but let me just tell you that if you're letting that hag dictate your future and not yourself, you need to change your life. And NOT by killing yourself with magical curses."
"You know," I muttered after a moment. "I've always wanted to become a barber."
"Really? I got a cousin who's a stylist over in La'Ush." The wizard said, with a bit of a smirk.
"The capital? You're kidding," I responded with a bit of awe.
"Yeah, yeah, her name's Glenda. Want me to get a hold of her? Maybe she can teach you a thing or two."
"You know what, Mr. Wizard? That sounds dandy," I respond with a smile.
"Oh, please, you can call me Bernard," the wizard responded. I thought for a moment about how Bernard is quite possibly the least magical name in the world and how it would totally fit a fishmonger, but I realized I should probably hold my tongue.
"So... Do you maybe have any magical barber equipment to bestow upon me to make me a good hair stylist?" I asked with a chuckle. We shared a momentary laugh.
"Just get outta here, you rascal," Bernard responded, waving his hand towards the door.