PRESIDENT SPANKY: Congratulations, President=Elect Newman.
NEWMAN: Thank you, Sir. Sorry I beat you.
PRESIDENT SPANKY: You wanted it more. Plus, all of your conspiracy theories made me look bad.
NEWMAN: Well, I was right, wasn't I?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Yeah, about that. See, here's the thing. You got it all wrong.
NEWMAN: I'm sorry.
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Every. Single. Word of it. Wrong.
NEWMAN: Which ones?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Can I maker myself more clear?
NEWMAN: I hope so.
PRESIDENT SPANKY: (sigh) Name on.
NEWMAN: I'm sorry?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: One conspiracy.
NEWMAN: OK.... chemtrails.
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Wrong.
NEWMAN: What?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: No chemicals that control the weather, no autism, no nothing. Harmless. Wrong. You. Next.
NEWMAN: What?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Next theory.
NEWMAN: I don't know. 9/11?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Exactly as advertised.
NEWMAN: I don't believe you.
PRESIDENT SPANKY: (opens CLASSIFIED folder) See this?
NEWMAN: WOW! That explains everything!
PRESIDENT SPANKY: I hate to say I told you so, but yeah, I totally did!
NEWMAN: What about Kennedy?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Oswald. And nobody under the age of 70 gives a fuck.
NEWMAN: Moon landing?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: You think we can't land a man on the moon, but we can provide the entire world with streaming pornography? HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE?
NEWMAN: I don't know! Because of HAARP?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: We don't control the weather, just the porn. Hey, how come you assholes blame the government for tornados and hurricanes, but on a sunny day you don't say shit. If we control the weather, we should get credit for both. You're like a quarterback who only mentions Jesus after the game if he wins, but not if he loses.
NEWMAN: What about vaccines?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: They're good for you. Why would you think otherwise?
NEWMAN: Rob Schneider gave me a lot of money.
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Good for you. And it's a good thing you don't have to give it back just because both of your dumb asses were wrong. That's the best part about politics. The money. The second best part?
NEWMAN: What's that?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Farting wherever you want. I highly recommend doing it the moment you meet Putin. Especially if you have spaghetti beforehand.
NEWMAN: But what about all the other theories? What about aliens?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Not yet. The universe is a big place, though, so you never know. No spaceships at Area 51, none of this X Files bullshit. You know, you might want to take off that tinfoil hat before you address the nation.
NEWMAN: No way. That's EXACTLY what the government wants me to do.
PRESIDENT SPANKY: I'm out of here in three weeks. Then you're the government. Did you not get the memo?
NEWMAN: Whoa. So now I'm behind it all?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Behind what?
NEWMAN: Floruide in the water?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: It's ok! Suck it, Portland!
NEWMAN: Illuminati?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: (jerk-off motion)
NEWMAN: GMO's?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: BFD!
NEWMAN: OJ?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Not even you are that dumb.
NEWMAN: Yeah, I was trolling. So now what am I gonna do? Everything I said was a lie.
PRESIDENT SPANKY: Wait, THAT'S the best part about politics. The lying.
NEWMAN: Now you sound like my dad.
PRESIDENT SPANKY: I know. Song.
NEWMAN: Dad?
PRESIDENT SPANKY: The only conspiracy you never believed was my love for you. (Takes out pistol, shoots self in head)
NEWMAN: DAD!!!!
(SECRET SERVICE enters from their post outside)
SECRET SERVICE: Right, what's all this then?
NEWMAN: Thank God you're here! The President killed himself! Hey, why are you handcuffing me???
SECRET SERVICE: You're under arrest for killing the President.
NEWMAN: But I didn't! He killed himself! He was my dad!
SECRET SERVICE: You've got some crazy conspiracy theories there.
NEWMAN: But I swear! He told me so!
SECRET SERVICE: (lots of tasers)