I’ve seen this before, way too many times.

I’ve seen myself die. I’ve watched my friends get ripped apart by demons. I’ve watched my parents tortured by their thoughts or by the hands of humans. I’ve watched demons and monsters and humans kill those I love. I have watched them all die and come back so many times and I don’t know how.

And now, something has changed. It isn’t ME controlling anything anymore. I’m different, though I look the same. I do not call the shots like I used to. I’ve been through this loop so many times and now I watch as my friend goes through this pain. I watch her on this journey everyday. She’s tired, mad, exhausted, and still keeps a smile on her face like we can get through this. And yet, I can do nothing. I reach out. I tell her she’s not alone.

“I know how you feel.”

And yet, it brings no comfort. Not like those words ever brought comfort to me. Shit, I didn’t believe them in those vicious cycles. But it’s my turn. It’s my turn to die in front of her eyes.

I am able to fight like her, to heal like her, but something has shifted. I’ve died so many times and have come back strong, and now I feel dispensable. How did this happen? What did I do wrong? Who did I wrong?

I grew numb to watching everyone die. I grew numb feeling myself die. But now, it’s different. I don’t feel the calm I had before, like I could start over with no consequence. Shit, that’s how it worked for as long as I can remember. But, I haven’t been chosen. I don’t have that power before. I don’t make the choices in these battles anymore.

And while I lie on the ground, I see her fall to her knees. I look to my team, meeting their eyes. I meet hers. She knows she failed us all. But, God speaks to us like he does each time we come to this point.

“CONTINUE?”