Water, warm and comforting laps against my body. In a drugged haze I smile softly as the water in my tub darkens crimson. It is finally going to end. All the horror, all the pain, all the mistakes I made will wash away. I watch my life slowly emptying from my veins. I sigh in relief and close my eyes.

In the darkness that envelops me, I hear a voice, "Can't get out of it that easily."

With a gasp I open my eyes. The first thins I notice are the water stains on the ceiling above me. I look around and see my old bedroom.
"No no no no no" is the litany running through my head.
I look at my hands, so tiny and I begin to scream.
My mother barges in the door. "What the fuck is going on in here? Don't you know you're dad is sleeping you little bitch. If you want a reason to scream I will give you a fucking reason to scream."

I cover my face as she beats my back and arms with the hanger in her hand. She finally tired herself out and leaves the bedroom. I whimper like a puppy, I have to be quiet, I have to cry softly, or she will come back.

Was being grown up a dream? Why am I here? I can't do it again. To have my step dad wake me up in the dead of night and play the "tickle game." I can just see it now, him in my bed, putting my six year old hand around his dick and saying to move it up and down. His labored breathing as he whispers in my ear, "Oh that tickles really good'"

To have my alcoholic mom tells me it's my fault when i finally tell her what he does to me when i finally get the courage to let her know at the age of nine.

To be berated and shamed and be told that I will never amount to anything. To lose my virginity to rape.

I can't do it again, I won't do it again. I make my way over to the kitchen, trying to be as quiet as possible. I walk past the living room where my mother is drinking a 40 oz and watching her soaps. I finally make it to the kitchen and grab the sharpest knife that I can and quietly return to my bedroom. Violently I slash my arms open and collapse on the floor.

In the darkness a voice, "Can't get out of it that easily."

I open my eyes to find myself in my bedroom. My eyes fill with tears as they widen in horror. I cover my face and sob quietly. In my head a litany, "No no no no no."