'You're a monkey.'

Goku didn't crack a smile. 'Very funny. Make me laugh and you may enter.'

I stepped back. 'You're a fucking monkey.'

Goku still wasn't laughing, which made my hysterical laughter even more awkward. 'What the fuck. You're a monkey. You're- I'm dead and you're a monkey.'

The fucking monkey nodded stiffly. 'You are correct. I repeat. Make me laugh and you may enter.'

Okay. I'm dead and there's a monkey and the monkey can talk. I'm dead and there's a talking monkey and I'm definitely hallucinating, right?'

'No, you are not hallucinating. Make me laugh and you may enter.'

Okay. I'm dead and there's a monkey and the monkey can talk and read my mind. I'm- how did I even die? Although frankly I couldn't care less about my supposed death, because there's a talking monkey in front of me, and I always knew I was going to die, so talking monkeys came as a bit more of a shock.

'Okay. Okay. You're a monkey. You're- a monkey. Sure. That's- fine. A monkey. And you want me to-'

Goku, and how did I know that name anyway? I'm pretty sure the monkey hadn't introduced himself, the name just appeared in my mind which is probably a song of madness. The Monkey, that's a much more sensible name, sighed. 'Make me laugh and you may enter.'

So I had a few problems with that. I mean, I'm not a comedian and I'm not very funny. Although my biggest problem was, and yes I know I'm repeating myself, that there was a fucking talking monkey in front of me.

'Sure. Make you- laugh. I didn't know monkeys could laugh. I mean, don't they, like smile before they rip your faces off? Or maybe that's chimpanzees.' The Monkey did not seem to appreciate this and I paused, wondering whether I was somehow being racially (specially?) insensitive. Oh God. This was not the time to worry about racial sensitivity. Fuck the Monkey's feelings. I was dead and hallucinating.

'Fine. Okay. What do you mean enter?'

The Monkey pointed at the gate and raised an eyebrow. So apparently the talking monkey now thought I was an idiot. 'I mean, like, where would I go? Do I even want to enter?'

The talking monkey looked even more unimpressed and suddenly resembled my mother in law. 'If you want to go into heaven, land of eternal joy and happiness, you will do your best to enter through these gates. Make me laugh and you may enter.'

Wait- heaven. So the talking monkey was St. Peter. Right? Or- wow. Who knew saints ended up talking monkeys? Although if you wanted to be all philosophical, technically every human being is a talking monkey, or maybe a talking ape. They tended to be larger, less hairy and generally less belligerent than the talking monkey in front of me, and being at the gates of heaven and needing to suddenly develop the skills required of a stand up comedian meant I didn't have the time to be all philosophical.

'No. I am not your...St Peter. I am the Monkey King. You should know of me. I repeat. Make me laugh and you may enter.'

Sure. Not St Peter. So apparently saints didn't turn into talking monkeys and that was slightly reassuring. 'Woah. You're a king? So- do I need to, like, bow?'

At the back of my mind, I thought just being able to stay here and talk to the Monkey King would be heaven for any biological anthropologist, biologist, animal behaviourist or frankly anyone with a brain and a passing interest in apes. Apparently monkeys had a rigid social hierarchy. And hadn't yet discovered democracy. Unless he was a constitutional monarch, and-

Nope. I was not thinking of the complex political situation that monkeys lived in whilst standing at the gates of heaven.

Then I realised. 'Oh- wow. You're like, that Chinese story. Right? I read that when I was a kid. It was awesome.'

Probably calling a talking monkey a story in front of the talking monkey was a bad idea, seeing as Goku was unlikely to appreciate being called fictional, however accidentally and awkwardly.

The talking monkey, Goku, Monkey King, whatever, still hadn't answered, and tapped his foot. Okay. Yeah. Make him laugh. Um.

'So. Why do monkeys like bananas?'

I paused. Did Chinese monkeys have bananas? I mean, they were from Central America, bananas, right? Or- no, I'm pretty sure they're from the Americas. Although I can't say I ever wanted to research the origins of various banana breeds.

Goku waited patiently.

'Because- uh, because bananas have appeal! You know. Appeal. A peel. Because bananas have peels and-'

The talking monkey seemed unimpressed.

'You know? No? Okay.'

I was going to be here for a long time.