It’s not easy being a Chad, you know? The name became unpopular at the start of the 21st century, when everyone was connected by the Internet for the first time. All that honest discussion between anonymous strangers led everyone everywhere to the same conclusion – for some strange reason, every single person named Chad was an asshole.
That didn’t stop my parents, though. They named me Chad, and it’s haunted me my whole life. I never made any friends at school. I was always the last one picked to be on a team in gym class. One time in middle school, some kid called me “Chode,” and I cried the whole bus ride home. When my dad came home from work, I asked him why he named me Chad.
He sat next to me on the sofa in front of the TV, a foot away. He just kept sipping at his Starbucks coffee as he talked, not bothering to give me a hug or even look my way too often. Figures, he’s a Chad too, after all.
“You know, son,” he said between sips of coffee, “We come from a long generation of Chads. You’re Chad the XIVth, after all. People will always call us assholes. And they’re right, we’re not the sensitive type, our family especially’s always been blunt as fuck. But,” and then he finally put his coffee down on the side table and turned to look me right in the eyes, brushing his perfect ringlets of blonde hair out of the way. “the name Chad has a meaning, son. It means ‘defender.’ We’re assholes, but when our friends are in trouble, we’re the ones they want at their backs.”
I didn’t understand what he meant at the time. Me, a defender? I was just a normal kid.
Over the years, all the bullying made me grow a thick skin, learn to defend myself. Someone called me an asshole? I’d say, “Well, I did fuck your mom’s asshole.” Someone tried to cut me in line? I’d tell them to get the fuck out, dickhead. I worked out and got swole so no one would dare try to start shit with me. I joined my highschool’s football team to get all the anger I had out of my system, and showed that even an asshole can be valuable on the field.
Nowadays, I’m a surgeon, and I’ve found my people. All the other surgeons are just like me, they’re blunt as fuck and love getting swole. So go ahead and call me an asshole, compadre. But when your father needs a triple bypass, you will need me to be your defender.