[Wp] Everybody has the voice in their heads. Write about the guy who doesn't

My mind is quiet. Every morning, I wake up to the sound of my sisters arguing over their breakfast. Every day, I listen to conversations around school. Every night, I listen to 80s music and the voices in Youtube videos I watch before bed. At night, I watch events take place that I conjured in my head, hearing voices repeat things I heard in the day, conversations muddled together to make almost-sense.

I don't talk much. Everyone says it's because I'm an introvert. It's just hard to properly realize a full sentence in my head without hearing something that sounds like it came out of a monkey's butt once I let it out of my own mouth. I can't understand what it'll sound like without actually speaking aloud.

That's why I talk to myself. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I'll mutter entire conversations under my breath, imagining the other side is my sister, or my teacher. I try to map out everything they could possibly say and every response I could give. Then, in case of the likely situation that I missed something, I go through the motions of silent communication that gets me through each day.

It's hard. And...I know it's weird. In TV, the people who pace around muttering to themselves tend to be wearing straight jackets. Now and then, I wonder if I'm crazy.

But...no. I can't be crazy. Maybe everyone else does it, too? Y-yeah, that sounds right. It's just some kind of weird game everyone plays, and no one else knows about it.

Or maybe they do? And I'm the only one who was never told?

Heh. No, that... I don't know. Maybe.

Sometimes I can't remember things unless I talk to myself. Dreams, I know, are things the human brain uses to store memory, but I've realized recently that the unconscious mind can only do so much. When I'm asleep, I can hear the things I heard before. When I'm awake...

...there's no voices in my head. That's why I can't be crazy. People who are crazy talk to voices in their head. My mind is quiet--silent, save for when I dream, and I know that's normal.

But I never hear my own voice in my dreams. I only hear it when I speak.

R-recently, I've been talking about the self. A lot of people seem to connect their identity with their voice. "Use your voice," "Have a voice," et cetera. It's all used in the same context of "Be yourself."

Does that mean I'm not "being myself" by not talking much? Do I even have a self, determined by the fact of how difficult it is for me to use my voice at all without sounding like I'm talking shit? Is how many times I have to repeat something in order to make it intelligible a sign that there's no "me" to...

...what?

Dammit.

I asked a girl at school how she managed conversation. I told her she always sounded like she'd rehearsed it, trying to be subtle about it, joking. I made it clear that I was asking as an introvert. I'd been very careful to talk it through the night before.

Her reply? "Oh uh, I dunno. I just think before I speak, I guess. Anyway, I'm an introvert, too. I don't think that has much to do with how good you are at talking. Maybe you're just shy?"

I had no response to that, so I shrugged.

Just about an hour ago, I decided to go to the internet with my potentially crazy questions. I googled the phrase "think before you speak." I've heard it all my life, but I never wondered much about it. It was just a thing parents said to make you shut up.

The first thing to come up was a page on Wikihow. Ten steps on how to think before you speak. But every step included the things I considered in my daily routine of preparing for potential conversations. Next link. Next link. Next link.

I didn't find anything conclusive, at least not anything to suggest that I'm different from other people, but one thing stood out--a word that was repeatedly used: Think.

Like all you have to do to decide what to say and how to say it in a single moment is fcking *think. Is that my problem? Can I not think properly?

I feel like I'm shouting at this point. I don't know why no one's noticed. Maybe they're light sleepers. It's not like I've ever been up this late to talk. I wish someone would wake up, though. I feel like... there might be something more, something I'm missing.

A-anyway, I guess I'm just rambling at this point. But until I can find a reason for all this confusion, I'm done. I won't talk; I won't even try. Let everyone think I've suddenly lost the ability to, well, think.

These are the last words I'll ever use, and they weren't even helpful.

/r/WritingPrompts Thread