I was happy. I remember it vividly. But that feeling has now faded into obscurity. No longer do I feel the same joy as I used to. What used to give me pleasure and content is now only a painful memory, seeming to find me at my worst causing me to break down. I remember when I was happy. I remember I was happy with her, with Rachel.

Rachel. When I first met her I was stunned by her beauty, compassion, and innate kindness. She had sleek brown hair, naturally straight that fell down on her shoulders onto her slim but fit figure. I don't do her justice, but she was radiant. I was introduced to her through a mutual friend. Although timid at first I overcame my initial awkwardness and we became very close with each other. Whether it was simply being with one another during passing periods, actually going to dinner, or simply being with her made me me ecstatic because I felt very strongly about her. We both shared an interest of food, TV, and literature, especially Lord of the Rings. These feelings developed over the course of the year and eventually, when I asked her out on a formal date she said yes. If it was even possible, we became even closer throughout our relationship, practically inseparable. Seven amazing months after being with her, I realized that I loved her. And what was even better was that she felt the same way about me.

College came around. I was accepted into Indiana, she the same, both working toward different majors. Myself finance while she studied law at Maurer. We went up early and spent the last fading weeks of summer up on campus with only one another's company. It was there that we lost our virginity to each other. I didn't know how the future would turn out, whether we would be condemned to poverty and struggle by both working toward more general degrees or if we would be afforded the opportunities to get something better in life. I only knew that no matter what, I wanted to be with her throughout. I wanted to be with Rachel. I wanted to be with the woman I loved. I don't remember too much else, but I remember I was happy. And I remember I was madly in love.

During college I stayed more introverted. I had a few close friends and didn't get out much, only going to big parties when Rachel asked me to. Rachel as indicated was the opposite, and my god did she have a lot of friends. She was a kind and generous person who just made everyone around her burst into laughter, break into a grin, and just simply be happy. Everyone loved her, not for her looks, but for who she was, an amazing person.

I proposed after college. I had just been offered a seven figure job a week before working for an investment firm in Massachusetts. I hadn't told her yet and picked out the biggest diamond ring I could find, because she deserved it more than anyone else, and I loved her. I wanted it to be perfect for the perfect girl. After dinner and a movie we wandered off into town and into the mall. Because of our mutual love of Lord of The Rings, I had called up 7 of my friends had them dress in all black and bring toy swords to act as the ring wraiths and "steal" the ring from me. We walked into the center of the mall onto the stage, where the musicians usually play, thanks to the manager's generosity. He gave me an hour to have the stage all to myself. I had the ring in my pocket and was fiddling with it for a while just talking with her. My friends showed up and "stole" the ring from my pocket and I "fought them" taking the ring back. I got down on one knee and asked her if she would wear the one ring, and join the fellowship of two, her and me. She started crying and just nodded yes. We hugged for a good minute as she regained her composure. As I slipped the ring onto her finger all my friends all clapped and she smiled, most beautiful I've ever seen, right at me for the rest of the night.

The next day we called our parents and told them the news. We were happy, we were in love, and we were getting married. I told her about my job offering and she was completely supportive, thrilled, and generally excited about the move. We moved and I started working. I was making a very nice amount, so she was able to sit at home and look for a job in law. She eventually found one and we celebrated on the anniversary of our engagement by watching movies together all night. It was nothing special but it was perfect for the both of us. The wedding was formally scheduled and it was beautiful. I remember it. Her white dress, the kiss, and the joy of the day, followed by an absolutely amazing night.

I remember being happy. I remember the times with Rachel. She was driving home from work when she was struck by a drunk driver. She was tossed from her car into a snow bank and barely survived. She was put into a medically induced coma. The doctor warned me that if she came out of it, she was likely to have some brain damage and some physical ailments. I didn't care. I loved her. I still do. For 3 and a half years she was on life support in a coma. Yesterday was our anniversary. I went to the hospital at around seven thirty PM right after work ended. I brought our favorite movie from home. I went into her room and I pulled up a chair by her bed. I sat down, grabbed her hand, and then, I cried. I missed her.

I left at around two AM, given special permission to be there so late by the medical staff. I put on my coat, kissed her forehead and walked out of the door, going home lonely and remorseful that I couldn't do more for her.

I got a call from the doctor the next morning. He talked to me in length about amnesia and other mental disorders that I'd have to live through if she woke up. He asked me if I wanted to pull the plug. I vehemently denied and hung up.

"Finally, she woke up." That was on my answering machine the next morning. I called out of work and went directly to the hospital and up to her room. I burst into the room, in tears and wrapped my arms around Rachel now sitting up in bed. I looked into her eyes once full of joy, of happiness and of kindness now blank. She was clearly startled. And she clearly didn't know who I was.

Finally, she woke up. I remember when I was happy. I remember when I was full of joy and hope for the world, for us, but now I only feel empty. I remember looking into her eyes and searching for the woman who had loved me back with all her heart. I stared into her eyes, but she wasn't the woman I once loved anymore. She didn't know me. And what was more horrifying for me was that I no longer knew her.