[WP]God answers all of your prayers, and only your prayers. God is also kind of a dick with a matching sense of humor.

"Hellloooo!"

"Hello?"

"Yeah, hi, this is God. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.”

"God? What? Are you really God?"

"Yes, I am God."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"Are you really?"

"Yes! Jesus fucking Christ, you really have a hard time believing the unbelievable don't you? I already said it twice didn't I?"

"Oh, um, OK. Well, what is your name?

"Name? I'm God. I don't have a name. My name is God, creator of the universe, and all things within it. Just think of it as me being everywhere, all the time, watching you".

"Alright, good to know, I guess. Why are you talking to me"?

"Because, I'm bored."

"God, the life force of all things, is bored?"

"Yes, very, you see all this got boring a couple decades after I created it. It was all just observing and taking down notes. No real excitement, no real change. I decided to do something about it."

"What is that?"

"I am going to answer your prayers".

"Answer my prayers? Why me?"

"Because I chose at random. Ha, just kidding, because according to my records you have the potential to do great, or terrible things."

"No, I don't! I haven't done anything great or terrible ever."

"I'm not saying you have, I'm saying you have the potential, and maybe you won't amount to anything worth taking the time to think about for anyone, ever. Maybe you are going to be as boring as I was back when this all started. It all depends if you have the balls".

"What do you mean? I thought you were going to solve my problems. Why do I need balls for that?"

"One, because it's more fun for me to watch you struggle. Two, because I said I was going to answer your prayers, not solve your problems for you. This is a two way street. You do something for me, which in all reality, is you doing something for yourself, and then I'll point you in the right direction for the next step. Prayers don't get answered overnight. You have to work hard so that I won't be able to enjoy your suffering. Success is your only remedy.”

"This is ridiculous! My life is not a game. You can't just invade my privacy!"

"I've always been here, only you haven't been able to see me until now. Why does it matter really? If you aren't doing anything wrong than what's the issue? I would want someone watching my back if I could. You think as God, I don't fuck up? I'm surprised this universe has lasted as long as it has. One wrong move, and people are going to be a lot sadder than they were in the first place.

"So, you make mistakes too. How do I know you aren't going to ruin everything?"

"What is there to ruin? You know as well as I that you consist primarily of bullshit and have nothing really to show for yourself. And don't say that's not true. You have done good things, some bad things, but nothing has been significant. And you know it, in your tiny little tin man heart, that you are capable of greatness."

"You didn't answer my question, you deflected to make a vaguely related, but true statement that makes me question my whole existence".

"Exactly! Now you're getting it. The truth is that I might screw it up. You are definitely going to screw it up. At least at first. But the whole situation is going to work out in the end. I know this because it's how I made it. I made a point of not allowing rainbows to appear unless rain has occurred recently. You seen House? This is a metaphor. The rain is all the bad times you go through in life. The sun are the good times. Ever want to curl up in bed for 60 hours during a rainstorm? Yeah, me too. When the sun comes out everyone gets out of bed and enjoys it, and for some reason it is always a happier time enjoying the sun after a rainstorm compared to when it was sunny for 19 years straight, and it's an even happier time than that when the sun comes out after it being rainy for 19 years, if you're really lucky, you'll see a rainbow. Those never come around unless it has rained. AND THEY ARE GLORIOUS! Seeing a rainbow after a rainstorm is the greatest feeling in the history of the world! The rainbow is complete and total awareness. God of the universe cannot put the feeling into words and is not sure if even they can accomplish it. No rain, no rainbows.

"That's a lot of words there, kind of a long rant. You just kept talking, it was all really good. I liked it. I didn't really get a chance..."

"And if you are really fortunate. You will see a double rainbow. These usually only appear after reaching the highest level of mind, and should be observed with caution. You should probably consult a doctor before looking at a double rainbow. Seriously".

"Wow, that's a lot. I'm not sure I get it all, but that's OK. I get a lot of it and am happy you shared it."

"Yes, this is going to be an interesting journey. All you really need to do is love others, work hard everyday, and set your mind on a goal.."

"Wow, I thought getting my prayers answered would be a bit more magical, and instant.

"Yes, and that's kind of my fault. All of the books depict me as a wish granting junkie who coddles the people, but you gotta remember I've killed a lot of muthafuckas. I am very balanced. I'm not a fucking Genie. Work hard and take positive steps and it will all be better before you know it.

/r/WritingPrompts Thread