“Dude!”
“Yo, whatsup, man?”
“Dude, go to Reddit. Now. Can you?”
“Yeah, I’m on my break. Why? What’s going on?”
“You won’t fucking believe what just happened, dude.”
“What?”
“Just go on Reddit!”
“Can’t exactly. I’m talking to you right now...”
“Well, put me on speaker and go, goddamit.”
“Jesus, alright, alright...”
“Shit’s crazy!”
“You know, you could just tell me...”
“Fuck that. Just go to--here, just type in, ‘user-Gregor-Samsonite-Goat-Cheese’. Trust me, dude.”
“...Okay...”
“Okay, okay, you see it? Check the post history...”
“God, hold on. Yeah, okay...I’m see--woah. No way. No fucking way, man...!”
“You see it? You see it? Fucking crazy right?! Can you belive it?!”
“Oh my god. This--this is...I-I can’t even...is this real? This is real, right?!”
“You bet your sauerkraut ass it’s real! Check the link. Dude! It’s actually happening! This is actually, really, actually happening, man! For reals!”
“Oh my god...duuuuuude. It’s beautiful. Look at the--oh my goooood. Look at it! Holy shit! Holy fucking shit! Wow. I’ve never been happier--like, I literally think I’ve never been happier in my entire life for something, ever.”
“See?! I told you, man! How fucking crazy is this shit?!”
“Oh shit...haha--oh shit, Reddit just went down I think. Hold on...yep. It’s down!”
“Well, fuck, of course it is! I’m surprised you even got on, haha!”
“Dude, the link is down too. Reddit hug of death! Oh my god, I’m so happy right now!”
“I know...!”
“Oh man, Winds of Winter, Half Life 3, and now an Ana Kendrick sex tape?! Is, like, the Universe in love with me, or something? Best. Day. EVER!”
“My crushing depression is staved for another day, man! Vuze is downloading right now, as we speak.”
“Oh my god--after my shift, I am SO coming over!”
“Damn right you are!”
And thus the internet had officially broken that fateful day. All across the land, men and women of all ages and ethnicities, creeds and socio-economic backgrounds, joined together in celebration. For the heralded coming of the ‘Triple Whammy’ had indeed materialized, and indeed was plentiful. No murder was committed that day, no banks foreclosed on any homes--no religious zealotry was perpetrated, not even a single baby cried that day. All was perfect with the world, as it should be, as it was. It was that day humanity evolved into something greater than ever conceived. It was, by a wide margin, the greatest day anyone had ever experienced, ever.
~~ FIN ~~