(This story contains spoilers for the Mass Effect series.)

I crept through the facility, darting around corners and hiding behind crates and barrels, keeping out of the batarians' sight as I wormed my way through their defenses. They were not my enemy. They were trying to protect innocent people, just like I was. They were doing a job, just like I was. They just wanted to make it through their shift and then go home to their family: their wives, their sons and daughters, who cared about them -- who needed them -- whose lives would be torn apart if I decided to go in guns blazing. I stayed hidden.

Commander, are you okay?

I found one of them interrogating Kenson and I considered waiting for him to leave, but he threatened to kill her, and batarians don't make empty threats. I had no choice. I charged in and slammed the butt of my rifle into his skull. I released Kenson from her cage and gave her a weapon. I was about to ask her to avoid unnecessary deaths when she stomped on the interrogator's throat. Message received. We're going in guns blazing.

We tore through entire crowds of guards -- all of them just trying to protect their home. We stole a shuttle and got the hell out of Dodge, burning six more guards to death in the process. In orbit, I demanded that Kenson tell me what she was doing out here. As she spoke, my mind kept flashing back to the guards. I saw wives on their knees, sobbing over the bullet-riddled bodies of their husbands. I saw little batarian children staring open-mouthed at the charred, mangled corpses of their fathers. I pushed the images out of my mind. The mission wasn't complete yet.

What happened on Lesuss wasn't your fault.

People who spend too much time around Reaper artifacts will always end up being indoctrinated. Their minds get twisted and they bend to the Reapers' will. Some of them start to see the Reapers as saviors. Others continue to fight the Reapers, but they constantly make terrible decisions. A few try to bargain and negotiate with the Reapers, and they end up making a losing deal. What all of these people have in common is that their minds are gone. They can't be convinced or saved because they can't think for themselves anymore. They're the walking dead imitating their former selves.

I had asked Kenson what steps she took to avoid indoctrination. She had deflected. Then she ambushed me, knocked me unconscious, and when I woke up, there was only an hour and a half left until the Reapers came through a mass relay to murder every civilization they could find. I needed to destroy that relay, but first, I needed to get the word out. There were three hundred thousand colonists planetside, and if they didn't flee the star system, they would all die when the relay was destroyed. The hideout had a comm system, but Kenson shut it down. If I could get to it and turn it back on, maybe I could set up a mass evacuation.

Commander?

I hesitated. I had her in my sights, and I hesitated for just a second, and in that span of time, she grabbed a grenade and armed it. The blast killed her and knocked me unconscious, and when I came to, there were only thirty minutes left to escape the facility. It was still on track to hit and destroy the relay, but the comm system was damaged. There would be no warning, no evacuation, no saving of lives. I had taken so much care not to harm the guards back on Aratoht, and for what? They were all going to burn to death anyway.

That was when I realized the pattern, and I've been seeing it ever since.

Shepard?

Two years ago, on the planet Virmire, I tracked an indoctrinated traitor named Saren Arterius. I almost managed to subdue him, but he called in a hovercraft. I had a shot, but I didn't take it. He escaped, and days later, he launched a massive attack against the Citadel, home to thirteen million people. The death toll was immense.

Last year, when Kenson deflected my questions about indoctrination, I didn't catch it. When she ambushed me at the artifact, I didn't react in time. When she reached for a grenade, I didn't shoot in time. Three hundred thousand people paid the price for my mistakes. Sometimes, when I look down at my hands, I actually see blood on them.

This month, I was tasked with stopping a war. The quarians and the geth were fighting each other on Rannoch, and neither side was willing to back down. I was left with a choice: murder a friend in cold blood, and then let the quarians slaughter his kind; or do nothing, and let the geth slaughter the quarians. I did nothing. And everything. And I did it wrong.

Last week, I was sent to destroy a monastery, and there, I found an old friend. It was a brief reunion. We killed some bad guys. She shot herself, right in front of me. I moved to stop her, but she was faster than me. All I saw was red and blue and purple. All I see when I close my eyes is red and blue and purple. All I see when I open them is the pattern.

Shepard, what are you doing?

Why do I keep making terrible decisions? Why do I never pay the real price? I wake up in a medical bay, or I get thrown in a brig for a while, and then I get to go right back out into the great big galaxy to screw up again and again and again. No one questions it. I've allowed a massacre and two genocides to happen on my watch, but Anderson, Hackett, and the crew have never once questioned whether I'm capable. Why not?

They're all indoctrinated, and I'm indoctrinated with them. That's why I keep getting people killed. It's why I'm going to keep getting people killed, until their blood is on my hands and arms and everywhere else.

Shepard?!

I'm the walking dead.

What? Shepard, put the gun down!

I can't be convinced.

Yes, you can, just... You don't have to do this!

I can't be saved.

Shepard, please, let's just talk this through!

I'll be the faster one today.