Coolidge, Arizona is a small, shit-kicking town halfway between Tucson and Phoenix. When the mayor's race came around, everyone was too drunk or tweaked out to care. Two shiny-faced old fat men were running against each other. There were signs and posters here and there, each with their smiling stupid faces, but no one was expected a real turnout. But then, during the last month of campaigning, a new sign showed it up. It was pink, the letters were all multi-colored and shiny. It looked a goddamn 6-year-old girl glue-sticked this thing together. It said, "Vote 4 Skittles!" and had a picture of a cuddly little baby jackrabbit. It all gave us all a laugh. A fucking jackrabbit was running for mayor. We wondered if he'd finally get the streets repaved.
It got stranger though. It turned out that Skittles the Jackrabbit had the most organized and wealthy local campaign in Coolidge's history. Every night there were people waving signs by the highway for Skittles, yelling at every car passing by. They had torchlit rallies downtown. There were dressed pink rabbit suits chanting "Skittles, Skittles, Skittles!". It was pretty weird, but hilarious. It even had national media attention. It put Coolidge on the map for a while.
But did anyone think that a goddamn rabbit would actually be elected the mayor of a own? Of course not. But it happened. The little rabbit won. The few registered voters who actually went to the polls voted overwhelmingly for a jackrabbit. I didn't know what having a varmint for a mayor actually meant. Until I tried to drive to Florence. A policeman stopped me just before I could make it out of town. He said, "Sir, Mayor's orders, no one can go in or out of town."
I replied. "The Mayor. The fucking rabbit. Did Skittles tell you personally?" Suddenly, I was pulled out of my truck, beaten, and then handcuffed. I driven not to the police station, but downtown, where the crazy rabbit-worshippers were having another rally. In the center of the mayhem were other handcuffed suspects, lying on the ground with rifles pointed at their heads. Soon enough, I was lying there along with them.
Suddenly, a cheer came from the group. It was their Lord and Mayor, Skittles the Jackrabbit, being carried by follower on a pillow. The follower screamed "Silence! The Mayor is speaking!" The crowd hushed up. I didn't hear anything the rabbit said. In fact, it didn't say anything, at least nothing I could hear. Yet the crowd of 200 or so was listening intently for a while. Suddenly, the carrier yelled "Skittles is merciful! He will pardon every other prisoner!" Another cheer came from the crowd, as the rifles on either side of me shit their respective prisoners.
It was my lucky day, and thank God I forgot my lucky rabbit's foot at home. Everything only got worse from there. Skittles's power spread, until he was the new dictator of a new America. I don't think anyone really saw that one coming. Not only did a rabbit become head of the world's only superpower, but he made it into a fascist dystopia. I still don't get it. Skittles has speeches on TV, and all I see is a jackrabbit crawling around in a pen for 4 hours. People actually stop what they're doing and listen to him. I'm still not hearing him, and I'm pretty sure a rabbit doesn't know what televised speech even is. Maybe I'm the fucking crazy one.