<h1>The Second Cousin of James Bond...or, My Guardian Angel</h1>

    <p>Summer is always the time to relax inside by the A/c, or fans, on the couch watching your favorite movies and TV shows...Well for me it is.</p>
    <p>The house is filled with an amber glow from the sun beginning its decent.  A hazy orange light, the type you find on phone app filters over countless of identical landscape *pics*.  An afternoon to meditate in, to lose yourself in the quiet and serene time of day.  Then a low pulsing tone interrupts that state, followed by a pulse of light and someone you would never expect showing up to your home, especially your living room.</p>  

<p>"Hello." She says as she begins to puruse my room with her royal eyes.</p> <p>"What is that you're drinking?" Her white gloved hand points to a cup of tea I've been holding close to my chin absentmindedly.</p> <p>"It's tea." I say pointing to it with my finger. Just before her arrival I smoked a bowl of "girl scout cookies", so my movements are slow deliberated movements and suppressed shock. The bloody Queen is in my living room!</p> <p>With a sigh of incredulous air she turned her focus on to my television screen. "What are you watching?" She says.</p> <p>"It's The Wire." I say, but before I finished she had already turned her focus on to something else in the room. She clearly was bored and had been bored with my answers.</p> <p>Unamused she went into her purse and took out a hand mirror, started viewing herself and adjusting her powder with a gold brush.</P <p>"Listen," I finally got the courage to question her being here. "What do you want from me? Why did you come here if nothing here interests you and clearly--"</p> <p>She put up a threatening hand to silence me, then begins to finish applying her powder. I put down my tea and unlock my phone to text someone, but who would believe it? I go to my camera and turn off the flash. Carefully I tilt the phone at just the right angle to snap a shot of her standing in the center of my living room in the middle of the afternoon, it's ridiculous. As soon as I took the picture she starts clearing her throat so roughly I had to look away from my phone.</p>
<p>"Would you like a glass of water?"</p> <p>"No! I'll be gone shortly." She takes out a small flask from her purse and a little vial of pills and takes one with a swig.</p>
<p>"Why are you here, what's your purpose?" I put down my phone and start to get up.</p> <p>"Don't get up! Just sit there. I said I'll be gone shortly and I will you little cunt!"</p>
<p>I sit down. Whatever is happening I realize it's a significant event, but I can't wrap my head around it.</p> <p>My high has been obliterated at this point and the munchies and cotton mouth is attacking. Grabbing my tea I drink, but there's nothing there. All over my scattered table there's nothing I can find to drink. I'm gulping my own tongue. On the couch I find only snacks, dry snacks, a granola bar and two different flavors of pop-tarts. So, I say screw it. I dash up of the couch and move to the kitchen. From behind my back I hear the Queen mutter, "Well shit!"</p> <p>In the kitchen I go to the sink and lean over to drink from the sink and as I do I see a figure in the corner of my eye. At the end of the kitchen, the window to the alleyway is open, and man in a black ski mask has just stepped inside. He panics and raises his gun. I'm bent over the sink still and letting the water run over my cheek.</p>
<p>A gunshot is heard, I close my eyes.</p> <p>When I open my eyes Her Majesty, the Queen is standing over the perp as she powders her face.</p>
<p>She says, "Now if you remained seated this fella would have been nonexistent to you right? Like Schrodinger and his cat you would have been the cat then, right?" I didn't like her condescending me, but she is the Queen and she could end me with a wiggle of her nose...She continues, "But I'm not here to explain to you about paradoxes and metaphysics, no; the reason for me being here and you witnessing me being here is only due to the fact that my calculations were off. I wasn't suppose to end up in your living room but your kitchen, just in the knick of time to stop your little perp here." She appears to be ready to leave as she packed her purse and straightened her dress.</p> <p>"Is it only me? How many else do you do this flash-appear and saving routine?"</p> <p>"Only you dear. All your life I've been there for you." She was smiling her priceless smile of angelic grace and unyielding kindness.</p> <p>"What...what am I suppose to do now, Mom?"</p>
<p>"Just go back to the couch. I'll have the clean up crew here in just a bit."</p> <p>So I went back to the couch.</p>
<p>And I just sat there, with a 96oz of grape juice bottle in hand and a lit spliff in another. I watched my TV and carried on with my day with that great new inner feeling and knowledge that she will always be there, all my life, every little step of the way.</p>