Hey you! You, up there on that giant pile of money!

Hi! It's a great day, isn't it?

No! You've got all of my money.

I've got EVERYBODY'S money! The genie in the lamp gave me three wishes and this was my second one.

What was your first?

Bigger penis.

I don't even know why I bothered to ask.

Anyhoo, it was kind of a mistake. I mean, sure, that's what you wish for, right? All the money? But you don't think of it as hoarding everybody's cash. Speaking of which, what am I gonna do with all of this dirty, cash stuffed mattresses?

You should give them back to the shutins and preppers who rightfully own them!

Problem with that. If I try to give away the money, it just comes back to me. Here, catch this giant cauldron of gold I got from the Leprachaun family.

NOOOO!!! (covers head)

See? It almost hit you, then it just bounced back up here!

Well congratulations. You have all the money, we have none. What if we, as a society, create a new form of money? Do you get that, too?

Yes! This is AWESOME!

Why do you need that much money?

I don't! But whoopsie! (shrug)

Goddammit. I'm gonna fix this and make it right! Just you wait and see!

And so the man went home and started making phone calls and sending emails. Within a week, he was meeting with the president.

Thank you, Mr. President.

No problemo.

A Mexican president. How did that happen?

Long story. Anyhow, thank you for your ideas and vision. It's been a rough week for America. No one can buy anything. Bartering is big again. Prostitution is on the rise, too. Even I, the leader of the free world, had to give a guy a handy just to get some batteries for my transistor radio.

Wow!

And the batteries are dead now, and I can't listen to the baseball game. Unless...

Why are you looking at me like that?

So you don't--

No batteries.

Fuck. (Shakes head sadly, removes rubber glove from right hand) Well, I was told you have a proposal to make money, you know.... money again.

I do! What if we.... (whispering noises)

Brilliant! I shall sign it into law right now! (grabs a pen and paper)

And so the President signed a law that made dirty hypodermic needles our new currency, and the old money was magically returned to the people who owned it. But this made the man who made the wish very angry.

How does it feel to be sitting up there on a pile of dirty needles?

I gotta be honest, not as good as sitting on all of the old kind of money. Also, ouch!

Well, it serves you right. And while banks will only accept needles, the people are trading money with each other. Kind of a gentleman's agreement. Did you learn your lesson?

Yes. Always save your third wish.

Come again?

Genies give three wishes. I only used two.

Uh-oh.

Yeah, and if I can't have all the money, I can at least have some power. (whispers wish)

So it was settled. The man with all of the money and hepatitis C sat on his mountain of pinpricks and watched as all the money in the world came to life and cried loudly. Washington, Lincoln, and the rest, wailing in perpetuity. The man was, of course, eventually beaten and killed, but the money continued to scream like babies in need of a three a.m. feeding, until it was all burned and everybody had to start all over again.

THE END