Cult wars Day 1: It all started when the top members of the Westboro Baptist church realized their religion was dying. They thrived on attention, lived for controversy and lately they hadn’t been getting much. If they were to survive, they’d need to do something drastic. They decided they are going to start picketing other churches services. They would first picket fringe religions and then move in toward the big ones. The leading members of the Felps family decided unanimously that they should start with Scientology as (next to them) they seemed the craziest. Little did they know how powerful the scientologist actually are. Day 2: The WBC picketers arrived at 10:00am at the New York City church of Scientology. They began marching around in circles with their crudely made signs in front of the door that said things like “God hates Scientology!” and pictures of aliens with red circles and slashes through them. A priest from the church came outside to ask them to leave and the protesters agreed and just continued protesting across the street. The priest that asked them to leave sat up in his office at the top of the building looking down at them protesting at said “If they want a war, they got it” and picked up the phone and called the chief of police (who is also a top level scientologist) and told him about the disturbance. 5 minutes later several squad cars showed up, surrounded the protesters and started shooting them with rubber bullets. The WBC protesters had no choice but to retreat, but they were determined and would be back tomorrow. Day 3: The protesters arrived again at 10am again the next day and began protesting across the street. This time they had twice as many people, so a total of 20. They also brought with them a large billboard truck that read “L Ron Hubbard LOVES THE DEVIL” complete with a picture of a stick man with L. Ron above his head being fucked by a stick man devil. They formed several circles blocking off pedestrian traffic marching and chanting “GOD HATES SCIENTOLOGISTS”. After about a half hour of this, Tom Snooze walks out of the church and tries to address them. “Why do you people picket us? We’ve never bothered you.” Stephanie one of the church leaders responds “BECAUSE YOU ARE SINNERS AND OUR MISSION IS TO RID THE WORLD OF SINNERS!” in her very dry lizardy sounding voice. Tom throws his arms in the air turns around and walks back in as the picketers boo him. As soon as he’s back in the picketers continue their chanting. Tom walks up and speaks with the head priest. They agree something must be done. Tom and the priest start the ritual to summon the alien lord of revenge: XenoShart. Tom draws a circle on the floor with some chalk and then starts jumping up and down on the couch beside him giggling and saying “oh my god oh my god oh my god”. The priest joins him and moments later, a creature that looked kind of like a sharks head stuck onto gorillas body emerged from the circle. It immediately jumped out the 5th story window of the church and landed in the center of the picketers. It looked around and made what might have been a smile at everyone around him then went to work. He bit one of the older ones head off immediately. Then his freakish gorilla hands grabbed one picketer in each arm and chucked them each indifferent directions into traffic. Then it grabbed one by the arm and swung him into a circle knocking out several of them, then let go of the one he was swinging and went flying through the window of an adjacent building. The remaining picketers retreated. The battle is lost but the war isn’t over. Day 4: The remaining Westboro church members gathered at a Durrbucks still in New York. They decided they had no choice but to summon their own help, so they went to the nearest park and started a ritual of they’re own. They drew a circle with a star in it in some dirt and cut their wrists and all bled onto the star. Suddenly the ground started shaking and then split in two in front of the church members. Then a huge red demon with pitchfork in hand jumped out and bellowed “WHHHHAATTTTTT” in a very deep demonic voice at the group. One of them spoke up and said “We need you to destroy the Church of Scientology!” The devil nodded and flew toward the church of scientology. Xeno was still in the church unable to return home until the enemy was vanquished. He sensed the devil coming a mile away and stood in front of the building waiting for him. The devil landed in front of him and stabbed him with his pitchfork but the gorilla shark mans wounds somehow just filled up with money and vanished. Xeno opened his shark mouth and shot a huge laser at the devil which vaporized him instantly. Then it headed to Kansas. 30 minutes later it arrived in Topeka and leveled the entire Westboro Baptist Church killing its entire congregation inside. With its work done it vanished back to its home world until it was needed again. With the Westboro Baptist Church finally gone, the world was truly a better place, for a little while. Until the scientologists bought the American government. But that’s another story.