hey all, i'm new to this, don't be a cunt when criticizing this
"Ah hell this feels wrong" thought Matchstick, grimacing at the dam she'd rigged so carefully. She would knock out her competitors, and make a quick buck as well. It was time to call him and set the plan in motion. She felt bad to do this so often.
She pulled out her phone, and called him:
"...bleep...bleep...bleep..."
"come on..." she thought.
"...bleep...bleep...bleep...I'm sorry, but the number you have dialed is not available. At the tone, please record your message. Beep"
She said, tenderly, "Hello Jeremy? erm... I mean Excelman... It's me again. I know you're asleep. But I want you to see this, ok? I'm by the dam and it's crazy what I've done this time. I think it would be good for you to get out, and try to live up to your name. You know, at least let everyone know you're doing alright. For better or worse, you might land in the paper this time, ok? Bye."
Slowly opening his eyes, Jeremy awoke to his room. Dimly lit, an air of fatigue dragged him back to his pillow.
"Come on. Just hit the lights, and see for yourself why your phone was going off", his mind scrambling for a reason to explore his chambers.
He tried going back to sleep, but was berated by the incessant mutterings of his phone. He had no choice. He sat up, and decided then and there to begin his day.
It was 3 in the afternoon. Opening his phone, he found 3 messages, and, "Shit. I almost forgot." cancelled his 4pm alarms. He read the messages, all from his friend Susan:
"Hey. Get down here. Something BIG about to happen by the gorge. -MS"
"Where are you? I thought I sent you my plans already... -MS"
"Check your voicemail. Just left you a message. So done -MS"
He eyed the revolver sitting next to his bedside, thinking to himself "Not today, friend."
Ms. Channing rolled her eyes at the camera. The rest of the news crew, lounging, were waiting on the one man they had entrusted with the city's emergency number, Excelman!. They had gotten used to waiting for him out in the field, so they had packed some cards and other trinkets to pass the time. On the bright side, they always had the best angle of the action (if you could call it that). Today, they had parked right next to the Dam. What a cataclysm they would film should the hero prove unsuccessful!
"Ms. Channing, I think I hear our guy..." remarked one of the crew.
An egregious racket announced the arrival of Excelman, his '87 Chevy Nova knowing nothing of subtlety; the noise was quickly followed by the familiar acrid smell. Whatever animal had rotten luck, had continued to rot somewhere inside the sedan. Excelman had no mind to fix these problems.
Upon arrival, Excelman donned his signature forest green and taupe tights. The Microsoft Excel logo was, shamelessly, in full display.
Excelman had done his homework; today would not be a success for Matchstick.
"I ran the numbers matchstick, and your function is NaN!" He exclaimed.
"Ugh, what do you mean Excelman, is something wrong with my plan?"
"Why yes, there is Matchstick! It seems that in your haste to rig the dam, you forgot the key component, and your plan will never work now that I've run the numbers." He smirked, keenly stating, "Your check bounced! There's an empty cell pointed at you!"
It was at this moment that Susan "Matchstick" detonated the explosives and collected her cut from the news crew. Although she and the crew didn't enjoy exploiting Jeremy as a wannabe hero, it made for a more profitable story.
Jeremy, being the city's only superhero, knew he tried his best, and slept well that night.