“Did you try calling the number?”
“Oh, what a great idea! Let me just go find my quantum telephone!” Dr. Sanders was not amused by Dr. Jacobs attempt at a joke. This was their 6th time sequencing platypus DNA, and the 6th time they found and decoded a message buried in the helix. They’d used three different subjects, all alive. The blood sample had never left the eyesight of either man, and yet there it was. Every time. The impossible message.
“I suppose it does explain a thing or two” Dr. Jacobs was grinning from ear to ear.
“Will you just… Just stop, ok?”
PROPERTY NUMBER X4431CRT WARRANTY VOID IF SUBJECTED TO GENE THERAPY, RADIATION, UNLAWFUL CLONING, AND/OR CHEMICAL TAMPERING STANDARD 2 YEAR WARRANTY APPLIES. WARRANTY ONLY VALID IF GROWN IN A SUPPORTED LIFECREATOR ® DEVICE AS PER REGULATION 2410XT FOR RETURN INFORMATION AND/OR COMPLAINTS, BEAM COORDINATES -129221.34912,332665.19428,9583.125
The two doctors stared at the message on the screen. It had taken them a decade to decode the message. They had been convinced that the segments where not random mutations or genes after they found that it was repeated every billion base pairs without fail. It had a prefix that seemed to “jump” over the message when the DNA was interpreted in the cells - making sure that no unintended mutations would be introduced by it. It was intelligent design. They had called it the God message before it was decoded. It had been responsible for half a dozen religious converts in the lab - they would surely take the news well.
“Listen” Dr. Sanders began.
“Ignoring the contents of the message, right now I’m more interested in their choice of encryption”
“What, you find it odd that the message decoded perfectly to symbols found in Sumerian cuneiform?”
“Odd does not exactly begin to cover it, my dear friend” The sarcasm was thick on the last few syllables - to return the favour. Had the message not been coherent they’d take it as a coincident, unfortunately it was very coherent.
“Maybe.. Maybe the Sumerians were doing high-end DNA synthesis in their cave dwellings? You know.. with their six thousand year old stone tools”
“They wouldn’t have been six thousand years old at the time, now would they?”
“Well, no. All joking aside.. I agree that the message is less strange than the medium they used.. Although they’re both pretty far out there”
The two doctors soon found themselves in Dr. Watkins office. Watkins was a physicist leading a research project attempting to utilize lasers and quantum entanglement to communicate over vast distances. It was their understanding that they had made some significant progress in the field, an understanding that turned out to be correct.
“So.. Once again…” Dr. Watkins was clearly confused.
“You…. You found a message… In platipus DNA.. Outlining warranty information”
“That’s correct” Dr. Jacobs replied.
“Uhm, that would explain a few things.. And… What exactly is under warranty The DNA, or the animal?”
“Well, our current assumption is that the DNA itself that’s under warranty”
“I see. Well. Uhm.. And am I right in assuming that you want me to try and call the number?”
“That’s right.”
“And.. Do you know where those coordinates are?”
“Well, no. But we have a couple of theories, the most prevalent being that it has something to do with the number 60”
“The number 60?”
“Yes. The Sumerians used base 60 for everything except trade”
“Uhm… So you have a coordinate in three dimensional space, have no idea how the coordinate system is defined, but you think it has something to do with.. Uhm.. The number 60?” Dr. Watkins was intrigued, it wasn’t often physicists got to play detectives, at least not in the literal sense. They had him at platypus.
The three doctors worked for 8 years trying to deduce how the grid was defined. They went through the DNA with a fine-comb in an attempt to find some kind of map - or anything really - but didn’t have much success. Until they suddenly did.
“..and so, as you can see, we have managed to divide the known universe in to a perfect grid, using the known coordinates we have - the one from the warranty, the one for Earth found on a Sumerian clay tablet, and the one for The Three Stars - also found on a Sumerian clay tablet.” The committee followed Dr. Jacobs presentation intently. Long distance service for Quantum Telephones was pricey, and to get the funds they needed, they had to convince a room full of people not particularly interested in science - nor calling a warranty return line some 10 light years away. “Beaming a message to the coordinates requires an immense amount of energy, and..” “Let me stop you right there” One of the committee members interrupted, “you want us to give you $5 billion dollars to build and power a communications device so you can inquire about the platypus?” Must everything be a battle, Dr. Jacobs thought to himself.
Securing the funding took months, but they got it. Most of it came from eccentric billionaires, some of it from Australia, the country. Someone had been messing with their wildlife, and they hated when people did that.
With hundreds of spectators, they called the number:
COMPLAINT ABOUT X4431CRT: MAMMAL, BUT LAYS EGGS, IS VENOMOUS AND HAS A BEAK.
A few moments later, a message came back:
RE: X4431CRT - EGGS/VENOM/BEAK SIGN OF TAMPERING AND/OR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. WARRANTY VOID. NO REFUND OR RETURN ACCEPTED.