The Witch of Sheepenstick

“Good evening, it’s Farasday afternoon and I’m William Textor. I’m on my way to see the witch of Sheepenstick Village. It’s been noted of recent that the witch has gained affluent status. We’re bringing you the information on how this happened, and in only the way that the Indignis Inquisitive can”

The scratching of goose feather slowed and a buttly fellow looked up.

“Who you talkin to Will?

“Shut up Mitch. Just keep writing what I say.” 

Walking past a primitive well Will spotted his first vi-interviewee.

“Good afternoon Ma’am. I’m William Textor from the *Indignis Inquisitive*. Can I get a moment of your time?”

A middle aged woman with a tattered apron looked around. There was no “ma’am” close by. But the fellow walking over furiously nodding and staring directly at her made her assume he was addressing her. 

“Aye been shovling shite outta the pens dis morning. What the buggar do ya want city boy?”
“Miss! Miss! I would like to know about the witch that resides over this local…,” Will looked down as he stepped into something soft, “ gem.”

‘There aint much to know. She keeps em evil spirts a’ rest and brews ale o’ herbs. Now if you aint got else to say I’ve find muh ugly husband, drink, and plow,.” William watched his subject beetle off toward what he assumed must be the tavern.

“Put down that she had a certain quaintness to her Mitch”

The broad shoulders hunched over the small the paper and scribbled, “Ka-wai-nt-mess..”

It wasn’t long before William spotted another kind villager stalking up to the well.

“Excuse me, Sir?”

“What ta sod do yuh want?” The t’s came off crisply.

“I’m looking for information about the resident witch.”

“Ten ask er yer self. She live in a ‘abin in ta woods.”

“Which way?”

“’Ake the bloody path wha says ta woods.”

The gentleman of Sheepenstick pointed. Opposite of the well a sign in the shape of an arrow pointing to a path that lead out of the village simply said “Wuds”. William tipped his hat and beckoned mitch to follow. Before long they found the stoop of a “kwaint” looking cabin. William could hear the shrill of tiny vocal cords.

“Be careful Mitch, witches have been known to consort with goblins.”

“No worry boss.”

William’s hand was interrupted from knocking initiation when he heard, “Get off the sodding spice rack!”

“Definitely goblins,” William said.

The door flung open, pushed aside William into the bushes, and piercing eyes perched on a crook nose stared at Mitch.

“What d’you want ugly?”

William gathered himself up picking off twigs and thorns from his shirt and said, “Hello miss, witch is it, yes hello,” William craned around the open door and sidled back up the stoop, still preening himself of debris. “I’ve come to get an interview for the Indignis Inquisitive.”

“What in the blazes afore? You think a witch’ll sell her secrets to some dandy and his ogre?”

“I’ve come none for that, madam witch. The *Indignis* is featuring the top ten newest affluent witches of the kingdom.”

“Affluent!”

“Yes, it’s gotten around recently that you’ve become very successful what with the collection of payments recently.”

“If payments you mean sodding abandonment! I’ve been afflicted, not afflued!”

Mitch scribbled furiously trying to keep up. He occasionally looked up, stuck his tongue out, and tried to mouth the unfamiliar syllabic sentiments. There was a loud crash and blue liquid started seeping from the door frame. The witch craned her head back.

“Gods-be-damned Mellissa! Stay away from the concocted oils or I’ll use your teeth to make my next charm!

“I don’t understand miss witch. Have you not been-,” *Smash*.

“No! Listen I-” *Giggle*.

“Could I ask y-” *Wails of defeat*.

“Whatever the hell you want just come inside! These demons are going-Jero, get the hell away from your sister!-to collapse the sodding place! And drop the damned miss! I aint your swoony”

The witch turned to lead them in. William stepped gingerly through the gaps of the blue puddle. Mitch splashed right through. When the droplets landed on the granite stoop it began to fizzle.

Inside looked oddly larger than the outside of the house. It was a good thing too otherwise it wouldn’t have contained the mess. Finely tanned animal furs had sticky stains accompanying the spotted patterns. The drying spices from the rafters had teeth marks in them. There was an odious green sludge smeared across the wall. Salt summoning circles lie broken. Tome and manuscript pages dotted the floorboards like lilies in a pond. The giant devil toads hopping through it-children. A dozen.

“Planting season cleaning?” Said William.

“Shut up. You bloody know what it is. Gods damned children are worse than the imps-EVERYONE SIT DOWN!-I deal with on the weekends. Now what in the imp’s home do you want?”

William cleared his throat, “As I said m… witch, I’ve come to interview you about your recent youth based revenue. How did you come to be so fortunate?”

“Does this look like a damned blessing? Sodding villagers come crying for me to help them an all I ask for is small tithing so that I continue practice, my trade! One day ol Geoff comes strolling up, the “wud” he calls it, asks for a way to get the heat back in the stove box at home. I tell him to attach it to his plow horse and stretch it and he says “wut”. I offhand about first born yada yada, the next thing I know Jimmithy here is at my doorstep. I said fine I’ll baby sit the damn brat as long as I get extra tithing come harvest. What does the bugger thank me how? He sodding tells the tavern him and his goat of a wife are warm all night every night now that little Jim’s at “Da witch’s”. Next thing I know I’ve got half a herd of bastards.”

After the witch’s exasperation a small girl approached William and said in a small voice, “Hi I’m Marrow, my dad named me after our dog, who are you, who is he, do you live around here, would you like to play with my dolly?” William took the small corn stuffed doll from her hands and made it dance on his leg. He then waved its hands around. 

Some many miles away, in a court hearing, a Justiciar danced around the prince, slapped his chest silly, and then made some pivots with his hips that were many years ahead of his time.

“Thanks for letting me play with your dolly miss Marrow.” William could no longer hear Mitch’s crude scribbling and turned to see him seated at a stool with a small girl sharing glowing liquid out of leather shoes.

“Why don’t you send them all back then?”

“What? And have them return to parents who’d sell off their children to a practitioner of the black arts just so they could drink and sod all day? What kind of louse ridden crust names his only daughter after the pooch? I’m frustrated, not heartless.”

“So what will you do then witch?”

She sighed, grabbed a bottle of silver liquid from the hands of a shrieking toddler and uncorked it. She took a swig and said,” I’ll use inter-spatial geometry to expand the house, train the little bastards in the craft, and then send them their way. The best thing for these children is to learn a trade. And not some shite centered one such as goat plowing.”

“Interesting, so with your new found wealth you’ve decided to open a school dedicated to teaching the trade. Very philanthropic mi… witch.”

“It’s not a bloody school!”

“Well, thanks for your time. I’m off to put the final touches on the story. This is going to be a hit! C’mon Mitch, we’ve got to head back to the office.”

Mitch’s big frame bowed gently to the small girl he was sharing incandescent liquid with and stood up. William tipped his nonexistent hat and they both strode out the door. Outside they heard a pop and loud squeaking.

“Good! That’s what you get Geoff, you’ll stay that way until you’ve learned better!”

Mitch looked at William,” Nice people in Sheepenstick.”

“Indeed,” said William.