And then you find out the people threatening you are high ranking nazi officials, and then all these memories of growing up in germany and then you remember them capturing you and you were in a camp and it turns out they're experimenting on you and you're hooked up to a machine and time travel doesn't exist. It's more likely that you're dreaming all this than that you can travel back in time.
I neither know nor care who Leon Trotsky is, but whoever he is, he gets what's coming to him just like the rest of us. There is no escape. When you realize your enemies are bigger and badder than you, you'll be glad there's no escape and take what's coming to you like a man. Feel sorry for your enemies when they fall. They done fucked up and it should have never happened. The whole thing's fucked up. Being my enemy sucks and you look back at who you were and you hate that person. I hate that. I used to be my enemy but he died and I'm stuck with his memories.
So many people love the lies in their head, what they want to believe. But what's true's always going to slap you in the balls no matter where your head's at. It sucks for the deluded and for those who have to put up with them. You can't say for sure what someone else deserves, you can't even say for sure what you deserve at all times. Some of it seems to be up to your victims, but they don't have the whole picture either. And sometimes so many people are working together, like you got ten people all kicking you at the same time, you can't say for sure which one broke your teeth out and if you try to hand out justice you'll never hit the mark.
How much is each officer responsible for, how much are the ones who kept quiet responsible for, and how much was brought on by being in solitary? How much is the judge responsible for when all he knew of was that I grew some plants and was losing my mind and getting skinnier every time he saw me? Maybe he's responsible for all of it, seeing as he decided to judge me and let it go where it did. What about the fear in me that probably made it worse? Am I responsible for fearing them and being deceptive? Did I make it harder for the next guy? What about the lies that let them do what they do? Is it the devil? Superdevil? I got bigger things to fear than the poor bastards who want to play god and that's why I'm still sitting here. It could always get worse.
And it's like revenge can make you feel loved when you do nothing and see your enemies get it, but if you were loved it wouldn't have happened in the first place to you or them. It makes you feel loved when justice happens, even if you're the one in the wrong. I don't mean like spending six months in jail for stealing a candy bar, I mean like losing twice as much as you stole as a direct result of your stealing it.
It sucks when you have to say things against or that come across as against your own agenda, but sometimes bigger agendas mean you should go against yourself. And lots of things can be applied in many ways, like.. the ability to do simple math in your head can be applied to converting money, but also so many other things.. say my agenda may be worked against by a few people who learn from me or are helped by some thing I say or do, but it doesn't mean I shouldn't still say or do it even though I may be slowed down, or cause myself to lose money for instance, by doing or saying that. In other words, what's true and the spread of information is more important than the part of my agenda I think I was worried about when I started this paragraph, and who knows how it may help me or make my life easier by spreading the knowledge that I thought would benefit me by concealing?
The thoughts in my head are leaking out of my pores. They're visible in where my eyes go, the beat of my heart, when my breath catches and if left unchecked, how fast I breathe. But I don't think many of you can read me. I don't think you ever truly know another person who doesn't want you to know them. So many things are hidden from us, not to mention some spend all their time working on the skill. A life of terror. I live a life of terror. When I was a kid I was so afraid people were reading my thoughts and eventually I started thinking at people and responding to where my mind drifted as if others were thinking what I was. I doubt thinking at people got much done but the talking was trippy as fuck. I miss that. Can't say I miss those days, but I miss that. Blindly following the voice or outside influence in your head can be dangerous if you're not reasonable about it, but when someone thinks at you, god dammit pay attention! And for the sake of all that's decent in your life, don't tell the wrong people that someone's talking to you in your head. I mean, it could be some bullshit chemical reaction, right? There's nothing above us and we're nothing more than chemical reactions and electrical impulses that all of a sudden appeared from nothing and there's no point to anything and no rules so you might as well do whatever you want. Jump off a building and flap your arms and wake up as a cow or whatever you think's going to happen after you land. But mark my words motherfucker, payback's a bitch and there's no escape in this life or the next.