Nobody's shot you yet, so that's good. Not that there's any reason to, but sometimes...sometimes things get weird. Not gonna think about it for the time being. Try to retain some sanity.
Why can't you write in a journal like normal, self-respecting people? I mean you try, but it's just shit. It's always been that way though. You've always been more salient, more comfortable throwing words into the online void and not particularly caring if someone's there to catch them. Just the possibility was enough. Now it's a certainty. And I can't breathe.
You're probably being tracked by the NSA like everyone else. Well they can find out how boring and disgusting I really am, just like my old stalker did. While there is this well of rage that becomes inflamed at times, I do not seek to harm anyone. I don't need to stoop to terror to get my way. How dare you assume such a thing. I can change the world with the merit of my ideas alone. I will always appeal to people's rationality, their hope for peace, their natural desire for beauty and prosperity. I am disgusted by the act of fear-mongering. I do not need it.
Life has been strange. I've spent years alone, living on the edge of madness, chasing meaningful ideas to further human development in the 21st century. It has eclipsed my relationships, my identity, even my career. To find an effective, yet compassionate way to hold onto the best the past can offer while moving into the 21st century and the cornucopia of new problems it presents to us. I am not interested in cycling through another 20th century scramble for resources and power between state entities. For fuck's sake there are bigger problems to address. There are so fucking many it is exhausting to think about. I need to write them down - both the problems and my proposed solutions - just to be free of them. Just to have a real life again. And then I'll attach my actual name to them for once. Rather daunting.
I can't do it without love. I won't. I need to have something to live for other than duty. I can't be propelled solely by duty and shame. I can't. I need to reconnect all the fractures of my heart. Duct tape it together again. Something.
Also I'm really getting sick of gender. I'm getting sick of my ambiguous relationship to gender, although it still feels like the honest thing to do. I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm more than whatever gender I am! I wish we had a word for this. Funny how we conform to words whereas words feel no pressure to conform to reality. Well, they're words so they wouldn't anyway...but whatever.
Funny how politicians desperately try to create projects to create jobs. Creating ongoing employment isn't hard with a handful of the right ideas...like proper investment in federal education, the backbone of any capitalist nation. (People need to stop seeing themselves as mere consumers and start seeing themselves as entrepreneurs for a thriving capitalist economy.) Someone should give that legislative power to me so I can make jobs and become MEGA-HITLER! (Also maybe Mecha-Hitler.) Jk. I don't like politics. I like nice things, but I tire of wealth and its vapid appetites. Even the small taste of power I already have is burdensome. I just want to make a living fixing the problems I see.