You want to fight, buddy? I won’t tolerate your insolence. I will destroy you. I will eviscerate you and make you beg for mercy. When I’m through with you, you’ll think you’re a princess named Big Bertha, you pompous shit. I will give you a detailed description of what I will do to you if you dare to disrespect me again.

After effortlessly incapacitating you, I will begin preparations for my master plan. It should take about a few days, so I’ll leave you cold, naked, and alone in a cabin with all four limbs cuffed to a metal table and an image of your trashy waifu getting stabbed under the table that you’ll be looking up at.

We need you to be awake for the entire process, so we will consistently force feed you amphetamines to ensure you are awake, but not enough to make you euphoric. It is a very delicate balance, and I feel that a doctor may best be able to prescribe a proper dosage.

We will, of course, have a doctor on the scene to ensure you survive, because our goal isn’t to kill you; it’s to inflict as much suffering as humanly possible. Given that you are most likely a racist homophobe, I feel it best that we find a flamboyant black Jewish doctor. I’m sure this will further upset you, because your life will be in the hands of someone you hate based solely on bigotry.

We’ll start out slowly. Initially, I was thinking we could just burn you at the stake, but that seems as though that would be letting you off too easy. Instead, we will begin with crucifixion. Just like Saint Andrew, you will of course be upside-down and naked, so the doctor and I can laugh at your tiny penis.

Next, we will shove a scimitar up your sphincter and rotate it about one hundred and eighty degrees so that the blade curves forward, and then we’ll leave it there. This will result in extreme discomfort for the remainder of our activities.

After this vital step, we will hook your genitals up to a car battery and electrocute them (it’s not like you need them anyway). As is standard procedure when punishing a self entitled shit such as yourself, we shall remove each of your teeth one by one with a set of pliers. This may all seem very basic and straightforward, but I promise it gets more interesting from here.

We shall skin you alive and force you to eat your own skin along with the previously mentioned amphetamines. This will require a delicate hand, so this should best be left to the doctor. Next, we shall cover you in battery acid, which will burn your now-skinless body. Imagine putting salt on a wound, except it’s about a thousand times more painful and over your entire body. Fun, right?

Following this, we will take you off the cross and force you to walk into our movie theater. Failure to comply will result in repeated bludgeoning from a spiked bat. After you are seated in a plastic lawn chair that’s just a little too small, we will tie you down and force your eyelids opened in A Clockwork Orange-esque rehabilitation session. We will play all three of the Star Wars prequels, but will cut out the awesome Light Saber battles, which leaves only Jar Jar Binks and sadness.

Finally, while your mind is vulnerable from an overload of Jar Jar Binks, we will perform a brainwashing session on par with the ending of George Orwell’s 1984. We will convince you that you are a princess named Big Bertha (you thought I forgot about that, didn’t you?), and that your favorite pastime is taking three dicks at the same time. Afterward, we will release you back into your natural habitat, which I assume is your mother’s basement, you pretentious thundercunt. Unless you want all this to happen, don’t ever disrespect me again, you worthless shithole.