It started with the blue birds committing suicide all over my lawn. They'd just walk right up to my rottweiler and let him kill them. He seldom ate them, however, which left me the honor of cleaning up the bodies.

I was putting particularly gruesome carcass in a trash bag when my brother called me.

"Did you hear about Robert Wren? He lost most of his left side in an accident. He's all right now. He did a bunch of physical therapy and now he's working again."

I hadn't heard about Robert, or I would have visited him in the hospital. I'd have to give him a call.

At that moment, I heard a child yell "Look out!" and looked up. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I passed out cold and woke up in the hospital. Great. The doctor came and checked me out.

"Can I see that lab work?" he said to the nurse. He turned to me.

"I'd tell you a chemistry joke, but I wouldn't get a reaction. Hardly anyone takes chemistry these days - it used to be required for most degrees. I have to keep all my best jokes to myself."

I considered the repercussions of slapping him, but he quickly left.

They let me leave at noon after I signed a form saying I'm an idiot who deserves to die because I checked out against medical advice. I had already had it with this day and wanted to go home.

I waited for the taxi by the vending machines, pondering a kit kat. I needed a break. Suddenly a soda can hit my arm. I was lucky it was a soft drink - it was nearly empty.

"I am sooo sorry!" gushed a teenage girl in a skimpy dress. "I was aiming for the trash can!" She picked up the can and put it in the trash can as evidence, then walked away.

Dang annoying kids.

As I walked past the psych ward I was mildly disturbed to hear a patient ask a nurse, "Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming."

What the hell was going on?

I was so angry about what had been happening to me, and so confused from my head injury, that I started getting mad about my job at the donut factory which treated employees terribly. I called and quit right then and there. I was done with the hole business.