"You don't have to die to start over."

When he said this to you about five months ago, you felt that you were at the bottom. The bottom of what this life had to offer you. No amount of digging could get you anything more. No amount of wishing could give you the past. You were right about that at least; the past is written. But you were wrong about one thing.

That wasn't the bottom.

When someone you love leaves your life, it's a lot like waking up. Some people wake up, wipe the sleep from their tired eyes, and find new reason in life. You've always been a hard sleeper. But when the man you poured your life into left before giving it back, you still woke up. But you woke not into a new life. You woke into a nightmare.

Rollercoasters. People like to use rollercoasters as a metaphor for life. There's a reason for that! Rollercoasters, like life, have their ups and downs. Their good times, their bad times, their twists and turns. People ride them for a time, but everyone has to leave the ride eventually.

But, there's a funny thing about life and rollercoasters that not many have the wit to notice. When you ride a rollercoaster, the first hill is always the tallest. Always.

In these five months without the man you loved, you've felt what it feels like to be done with that first hill. You had everything you could ever want, but now the ride is over.

People say that you would never know what happiness feels like unless you have also felt sadness. I have realized that the opposite is also true. Now that I've felt happiness, the sadness is so much darker. So much hungrier. When happiness comes along, sadness demands even more attention. What was once just sadness is now something much more malevolent.

The past is written. Eleven months ago, you met the man you felt you could live the rest of your life with. Five months ago, he left. These are the facts. Remember it or not, this is what happened to you. It seems silly now that I'm writing it down, but it feels so fucking important. I pray you don't know what I'm talking about. I pray that all of this seems so damn silly, and that you are embarrassed to know that you wrote it. I pray that you feel like laughing; the way you used to.

When he left, he knew what you might turn to in his absence. "You don't have to die to start over."

It appears that, once again, he was right.

Now go find your first hill.