Here's some more Emo Philips jokes you can use:

"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."

"How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand."

"Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy."

"I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

"So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

"I got into a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'"

"When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

"A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, 'A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ...'

"I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: 'Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?' And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."

"When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them."

"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was... conscious... But I love her from the hair on her head to the tag on her toes."