Your pet has a business trip over the weekend. What human care instructions do they leave for you?

My four cats would have much to say.

No. 1: "sleep by her head and make it as hot as possible, try to wake her up with your purring and squawking every 2 hours on the dot (if you can). If she ever sits on the couch to watch TV, knead her back and squawk until you are paid attention to (don't accept being picked up - attention must be on your terms only). Try to sneak outside to eat grass every chance you get - maybe you can be faster than me, I'm very slow".

No. 2: "I trim the spider plants every day with lots of licking and biting so don't forget that, they need to be trimmed! She will hold you up to the plant, so don't worry about access. Please also closely monitor any bowel movements, if the door is shut just use your weight, it's old and doesn't latch properly anyhow. You can always get in. Also can we go for a walk outside yet?"

No. 3: "I'm not very smart. Can I go outside?"

No. 4: "if you know what's good for you, you'll hole up in that nice space I tore for you to hide in the box spring, and don't ever come out unless it's for food. If a stranger has food, warn the other 3 with weird meows and wait until the stranger leaves to eat. Also don't forget to check the toilet every single time it flushes, it might be different this time! Oh, and don't ever let me outside, I am scared of my own shadow, i fucking hate outside but if you'd like to feed me instead I might deign to let you scratch my head for 30 seconds or less".

/r/AskWomen Thread