Thank you for taking care of my two humans and my idiot cat roommate while I’m away on business. If this is the lady human’s sister visiting - you can go to hell! We don’t want you here!

For anyone else the instructions are pretty easy. Wake up bright and early because the idiot will want to play at 6am and you need to be ready with a LOUD guttural hiss anytime he’s close. You might think it’s cute but stay firm and please don’t undo my training. On the plus side if the humans wake up from your hissing you can get morning kibble that much earlier. The man human knows how to open the kibble box but you have to look at him just right and scream “kibble!” loudly. If you don’t know how to say it yet, try screaming anything loudly and it’ll probably work.

Remember it’s your job to remind him to feed you and the idiot. Be diligent about this.

Congrats you finished your first shift! It’s break time. Feel free to use any of my favorite nap spots while awaiting your second shift. When you wake up you’ll be alone with the idiot cat. Don’t be alarmed, the humans find their way back by nightfall.

Your second shift starts at 6pm. Wait like a centurion by the food dishes until you hear male human come home. Sometimes it can be as late as 6:30 until this happens so stay strong! Yell “kibble!” at him until he fills your bowls. If it doesn’t happen right away have patience. He’s not bright at the best of times and he’s just come home from a long day outside. Sit politely by your food bowls and if you catch his eye try saying “kibble” in your normal voice as a gentle reminder. If he stands up triple your volume! He’ll get it eventually.

The night is yours to do as you please! I usually nap. Good luck!