First girl I slept with is now an attorney for a Fortune 100 company. She will help me sue my captors.

Second girl I slept with now runs a SWAT team in a major metropolitan area. She will help bring the thunder. (Consequently, she was the first woman to ever teach me about the G spot, and I was her first partner to actually consistently hit it with my penis and give her G spot orgasms during penetrative sex.)

Third girl I slept with is now in jail for stealing her child back from her ex-boyfriend. In Guatemala. She will be of no use to me, even though she was the first girl to let me rail her in her pooper. She also taught me about prostate massage. Funny story...We were standing in her bathroom with her middle finger buried deep in my poop chute massaging my prostate to what was quickly becoming a very powerful orgasm. With no warning, her younger sister (was 24 at the time) barged into the bathroom, walking through the door right as I came. She learned her lesson though, as she ended up with a week's worth of semen produced by a prostate massage all over her shirt, pants, feet, and the top of her head.

Fourth girl I slept with is the third girl's sister, who I came all over. After her sister moved to Guatemala (about a year after I broke up with her) to be with the guy she had a kid with, she texted me and we started chatting. It escalated from there. Turns out she had been fantasizing about that fated moment in the bathroom and she told me that she, "found my 'equipment' impressive." (I am 3 standard deviations above the mean as regards erect penile length.) She is now the regional vice president of a national chain of fitness centers, and can likely give my captors a discount on some Zumba classes.

Fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth girls were either one-night stands or participants in a multi-partner party that I participated in after being cheated on by the fourth girl after being in a committed relationship for five years. (We were engaged to be married.). I don't know any of their names or where they are now. They will be of no use to me in my kidnapped situation.

Eleventh girl I slept with is a military contractor who works on geolocation, land-based and satellite-based systems division. I'm convinced she has injected an RFID tag subdermally into my skin while I was sleeping because she ALWAYS knows where I'm at. Oh, and she's my wife. I'm pretty confident that she will have no problem directing my first, second, and fourth sexual partners to find and rescue me.