This is going to be super negative and probably long. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays and it makes me sad that today is basically completely ruined before it’s even started. Theo doesn’t have a finished costume. DH is mad at me and I feel like total crap.

TW: Anxiety, suicidal thoughts

I finally had my breakdown last night while trying to eat for the first time yesterday while Theo was asleep. He wouldn’t stay asleep without me touching him. DH was watching TV. I was supposed to finish his Halloween costume, something I’ve looked forward to since I was a kid. My anxiety has been super terrible and it sets off every time Theo cries, which is all the time because of separation anxiety. I can’t turn that part of my brain off. I haven’t slept more than two hours at a time in probably a month. DH has never even done a wake up so I don’t think he understands. He doesn’t do bedtime or naps and I’ve been solely responsible for getting Theo to sleep for months. I’ve been struggling for a couple of weeks with some extremely dark thoughts. Probably doesn’t help that I lost a friend to suicide about a month and a half ago. It just all came out yesterday and DH didn’t get it. He fought with me and told me I was selfish and that he hated me for expressing that I need him to be more responsible for parts of the mental load and to be able to put Theo to sleep. Eventually I lost it. Theo was up for two hours past his bedtime through the entire argument. It was the worst night of our marriage with absolutely no resolution. He told me to basically see a psychiatrist and that I can leave him if I want to. He’s right and I’m going to but I literally need to feel like I can trust him to watch Theo so I can sleep or shower or eat a warm meal and I can’t. He gets so frustrated whenever Theo has any negative emotion and he doesn’t try to do things without being asked. It’s not sustainable.

I’m so disappointed in our relationship and myself and for ruining theo’s first Halloween.