My Aspie daughter is this way, too. And she's 14 so naturally there are times when she is intentionally mean ;) But I can tell she has no idea when she's been mean when I point out either her words or tone made me think she was being disrespectful or not very nice. She gets a horrified expression and feels pretty badly, explaining she has no idea she sounded like that.

She has modeled comforting behaviors and does fairly well with them, but kind of tends to overstep sometimes. But she knows the difference in expected and unexpected behaviors in certain situations, and learns to plan ahead just a bit. Have you told your girlfriend how you like to be comforted? If she knows she might realize that's her cue to do what will make you feel better even if she doesn't understand it.

Aspies model, absolutely. We're dealing with this with our daughter being a freshman this year. She's been watching Disney and Nickelodeon shows as she's grown, and imagine her shock, dismay, and utter horror that high school wasn't anything like that. She was so far out of her element and she went overboard several times. She drifts between different groups of kids and models her clothes, speech, and attitude appropriately. Hopefully this will continue to get easier for her.

Getting a diagnosis now might be helpful, especially if she wants to work with a therapist on social skills behaviors. Also, depression is so prevalent in Aspies, so making sure she has somebody to talk to and help her cope that way is going to be very helpful, too. Plus, those flustered moments sound pretty awful for her, so learning to work through those would also be a big help.

You sound like a great, supportive boyfriend :)