There was a time when I thought I would get over you, over this.. But however do you erase a feeling? I closed my doors, I bought drugs, I killed the lights. I sat there… I assumed eventually, I would start to feel better… but I don’t. I cannot, even for a moment forget about her. I often wonder why people don’t consider the effect or imprint they are going to permanently leave with someone. I haven’t met very many people who think about this. Every fucking time I even close my eyes she walks right in the room.. When its quiet, Her voice can be heard as clear as a bell.. whenever my phone goes off, her name and photo pops up on the screen but when and if I answer, it isn’t her. She invades my dreams on the very rare occasions when I get sleep. The dreams are the same, when I try and grab her.. she fades away. I wake up in tears. Sometimes, I am positive that my heart isn’t beating anymore. I am completely convinced that it has stopped, but how can that be? I’m still breathing right? I guess I don’t know anymore.. because if I am dead then there truly is no rest for the weary.. this definitely is some black unending abyss, or a kingdom with streets of gold, or a lake of fire.. This is much much worse. I miss her so much. Even now, as I type this on my phone, tears run down my face, my hands shake uncontrollably.. And the only thing on my mind is her.. she was my world, she the beginning and the end of time. I am frozen now that she is gone. I have created a tomb out of this place in which I reside, and the memories of her sealed it shut.. The reason I haven’t stuck a pistol in my mouth is beyond me. I guess it is because I don’t have the pistol.. and because she would know why and I cannot bring myself to give her any burden like that to carry.. Sometimes I try to convince myself that I should just be grateful for the wonderful memories that she provided.. but then I know there could have been so many more. I don’t even know what I am doing anymore. I know no-one will read this, and if they do they won’t care and honestly, if they did it wouldn’t matter to me either way. She is the only one whose opinion would have mattered and she is gone. I guess when she left so did I. Things are not going to be okay, not even the drugs help. When I play things over in my mind I always come to the same conclusion, there wasn’t anything that could have gone differently. There wasn’t anything I could have done differently, she did what her heart wanted and I cannot place blame or be angry at her for that. Nevertheless I cannot seem to heal my wounds, although I know eventually they will.. but I don’t know how I will ever explain the terrible scars to anyone else and have them understand. There are no words in any language to convey the pain that has consumed me. That is how I felt about her and the love I shared with her, there wasn’t anything I could say to her to make her understand how much I loved her.. I sometimes convinced myself that it was enough, but it was not. I will let her be however, maybe I will get some relief knowing she is happy but I doubt that very much. In closing, I just want to say… There is nothing to say. I miss her.